To Look Again
by Witch
Summary: Piper is having trouble dealing with her sister's depression and suicide attempts. Basically it is a self-injurysuicidal fic from an outsiders (pipers) point of view. I SUCK at summaries but read anyway. NEW CHAPTER UP!
1. Stained

To Look Again - Stained

Summary: Whilst Piper is at school her writing is causing the teachers serious concern, it is very depressing and they are worried about her. But what they don't know is that they are worrying about the wrong sister.

            Piper Halliwell headed to the front of the class, it was her turn to present her piece for the class. This was the part of her English class that she loathed; it was a time of ridicule and mocking. However being Piper she was used to this, so she headed to the podium as usual. She looked out towards her class and sighed, her teacher smiled at her encouragingly whilst the rest of her classmates and tormentors waited another thing they could mock her for. She took a deep breath in and began,

            "For the assignment I wrote a poem, erm… its called Stained," she said quietly and then waited for a nod from her class teacher to continue, she looked out to the class and stood for a moment,

            "Hurry up!" said someone in the class, it was indistinct, Piper cleared her throat and began,

            "I tried to hide my inner face,

And wash away the pain,

But all this time I did not know,

That it would leave a tearful stain,

I though that I could cover up,

All the sorrow in my blood,

I thought that I could try and hide,

My tears as thick as mud,

But I am no illusionist,

I cannot make it disappear,

And now forever more,

I will have to live with all the fear,

The fear that lives within me,

The fear the grows much more,

The fear that I am trying,

Desperately to ignore,

My life is smeared with black,

I am forever pained,

My soul once so bright and white,

Has now become so stained," Piper sighed as she finished and uttered a small thank you before heading quickly for her seat. The classroom was silent for a moment, and Piper waited for the mocking to begin. _Maybe for once they are going to leave me alone…_ she prayed. But when she heard the whispers slowly mounting and her name being mentioned she knew that was not the case. After a few minutes the bell rang and the class began to clear, as usual Piper deliberately took longer to pack her things away, she never wanted to be caught in the rush to get out the class. Her teacher, Mrs Hall, walked up to her desk,

"Piper, can you hang around for a few minutes?" she asked quietly,

"Sure," replied Piper, she finished packing her bag and then waited a few seconds until the last student in the class had left, she walked up to Mrs Hall's desk and waited patiently,

"Piper, take a seat?" said Mrs Hall and Piper did so,

"So, what's up?" asked Piper casually,

"Its about that piece, the poem you wrote," sighed Mrs Hall,

"You didn't like it?" sighed Piper, she didn't want to fail this class and have to repeat it the following year,

"No, it was very well written and all in all good writing, but…" Mrs Hall paused for a moment and looked down at Piper, "To be frank, it was a little bit concerning,"

"Concerning?" questioned Piper she was confused,

"Yes, you see the topic of the assignment was to write about something close to you," sighed Mrs Hall,

"I know I didn't really address the task very well," said Piper,

"No, that's not it. You addressed the task just fine. But the thing is, well if you wrote about what you did and this is something very close to you… well, what I'm getting at is. Is everything all right with you? How are things at home?" said Mrs Hall finally,

"Huh?" said Piper, "Everything is fine, at home, at school everything is just average. I'm doing good," replied Piper cheerfully, "The poem," started Piper but Mrs Hall interrupted,

"The poem was worrying, it was a good poem but it made me worry about you, was that its intent? Is this you're way of expressing what you don't want to say?" asked Mrs Hall bluntly,

"What? No, the poem is fiction. Made up, I'm not suffering if that's what you're thinking, are you?" asked Piper,

"Well naturally, wouldn't you if one of your students presented this?" smiled Mrs Hall,

"I get you're concern Mrs Hall, but I'm fine. And I'm running late for chemistry so…"

"Off you go then, see you next lesson," sighed Mrs Hall. Piper left the class and waited till the door had closed completely before letting out a huge sigh of relief, once again she had dodged the bullet.

A/N: Ok so this chapter was quite short, I'll admit that. And I'm not really sure where I'm taking this fic but I guess for now I'll just go with the flow. Hope you liked it, please R&R. Witch xx


	2. Hard To Hold

To Look Again

Hard To Hold

            Piper walked home slowly, she didn't want to get there on time. She just wanted to be elsewhere, it seemed that living in that house everyday just made things worse for her but she just couldn't image life away from the manor. She arrived at the front door a lot earlier than she thought she would, she took a deep breath in and out and then entered. As soon as she was in the manor she could feel the intense atmosphere that came from it, the depression floated around in the air. It was affecting everyone, and even though everyone knew what was going on it just seemed like no one would talk about it, everyone was keeping to themselves and trying to ignore everything that was happening in the house. Piper wished that she could just ignore whatever was going on but if she did she would just feel totally helpless, she knew that she couldn't do that. She went straight upstairs into her bedroom and threw herself on the bed; she couldn't be bothered making small talk with Grams or Phoebe, and especially not Prue. Although it always did seem that Prue was doing a lot better than she was personally, but naturally she was never going to mention anything like this to anyone. It would just cause problems and she didn't want to burden anyone. She lay on her bed and silently listened to any noises around the manor. Nothing was there, there was no noise, no children playing in the street, everything was silent. Piper sat up on her bed, she knew that things weren't right. It was way to quiet; she walked out of her room and went down stairs – naturally fearing the worst. She arrived in the kitchen and looked around to see a note from Grams sitting on the counter. She walked over and picked it up,

            "Piper, Prue had an accident. She's in the hospital; I'm going to collect Phoebe. We'll be back later, dinner is in the microwave." She read aloud, she dropped the note to the floor. _Oh God, _She thought, _It's happening again…_she dropped to the floor and started breathing heavily. Before long she was sobbing uncontrollably.

            A few hours later Piper had fallen asleep on the kitchen floor, after about half an hour of crying her body had given into exhaustion and her eyes refused to stay open. She was in deep slumber when she started to dream,

Piper stood in her bedroom, staring out the closed window. Slowly she heard Grams' footsteps approaching it had been fifteen minutes since dinner had been served and it wasn't like Piper to want to help. Soon enough Grams was standing at the door,

            "Piper?" she questioned as slowly she walked into the room. Piper turned to face her grandmother, tears streaming down her face, "Piper, what's the matter?" asked grams placing a loving arm around Piper's shoulders.

"Its bad Grams, and I don't know what to do with it. But I can't keep it to myself anymore… its hurting her too much," sighed Piper allowing her body to fall to pieces in her Grams arms.

"What? Who's hurting? I don't understand Piper," said Grams, trying to understand what Piper was talking about,

"Its Prue… she's hurting and I don't know how to help. And I wanted to tell you all this earlier but I couldn't face up to the truth about any of it. I think there's something… well actually I know there's something seriously wrong with her," sobbed Piper,

"What? What do you mean, Prue's fine, just her bubbly happy self," said Grams,

"No. She has cuts, and scars, and scratches… all up her arms. And I found these in her room," said Piper reaching under her duvet cover no revealing a couple of razor blades broken out of shaving razors. "She's been hiding them and there's toilet paper and towels drenched in blood… Prue's blood. I don't want to upset you but I can't deal with this anymore… I just can't," wept Piper,

"Its alright… its going to be fine. I'll deal with this," said Grams hugging Piper close to her.

            Piper awoke sharply from her dream, or at least she wished it were just a dream. She quickly picked herself up off the ground and headed for the bathroom, she started running the hot water and soon the bathroom was filled with piping hot steam coming from her bath. She locked the door, stripped off and got into the bathtub. The hot water on her skin was a relief, she was freezing after waking up and she always seemed to get very cold after crying. She picked up a white sponge and began to wash her arms and stomach, and then she reached for her razor and began to shave her legs. She brought the razor swiftly up her leg and just let her mind wander, suddenly she winced in pain. She looked down at her leg; she had nicked herself with the razor.

            "Damnit!" she swore, as she reached for the cloth once more and placed it on her leg. She watched mesmerised as the blood slowly started soaking in the cloth, her leg was bleeding worse than she'd realised. Suddenly the water around her started turning blood red, she lifted the cloth of her cut and looked at her leg. There was no cut there, she ran some of the blood red water on it but there was still nothing,

            "What the hell?" she questioned, she looked around to find a source of the blood and then glanced at her arms. They were bleeding heavily; she had four of five cuts on each wrist and up her arms, "What?" said Piper beginning to panic. Suddenly there was a knock at the door; Piper's head darted round to face the door.

            "Piper, its Grams. Are you in there?" Piper looked towards the door, her eyes beginning to tear, "Piper?" questioned Grams from outside, "Are you ok?"

"Yes," choked Piper trying to cry, she waited until she heard the footsteps leaving and turned back to her cuts. They had vanished, and the water was clear. Piper breathed heavily, and closely examined her arms, running her fingers over where the cuts had been.

"I imagined it?" said Piper, she lifted up the razor and examined the blades, and she didn't find any traces of blood. Slowly her breathing began getting back to normal, she quickly washed her hair and then climbed out. She wrapped a white towel round and her lifted up the white cloth once more and ran it under the cold tap in the sink. She looked in the mirror whilst doing this and then looked down, the cloth was stained with blood…

A/N: Ok, I know its been like ages since I've updated, and even though this isn't my most popular fic I hope that more people will begin to show an interest in it as it develops so please review and tell me what you think


	3. In My Mind

To Look Again  
  
In My Mind  
  
After a sleepless night Piper awoke only to find that it was still dark outside, she tried her hardest to fall back asleep but it was to no avail. At six-thirty she finally gave in and got up of bed, she lifted her towel from her desk and headed to the bathroom. She opened the door but shut it quickly remembering the events of the previous evening. She walked quickly back to her room and threw to towel on her bed. She lifted her journal and began to write,  
  
I'm freaking out. I can't stand this anymore, its just getting too hard. I can't even go for a bath without having some sort of "episode". Its killing me – well not actually its killing Prue. I don't know why I can't move on, everyone else seems to. Grams, Phoebe – well Phoebe doesn't know much about it but still – Andy, even Prue seems to be doing a lot better recently... mind you I thought that and then she tried again. It just all seems to be pilling up and its getting harder to keep on smiling.  
  
Piper slammed her diary closed and wiped away the tears that had started to form, she lifted some clothes, got dressed and went down stairs to make breakfast. Within the hour she was joined by both Grams and Phoebe, they all sat down together and ate breakfast. Phoebe and Grams made polite conversation but Piper couldn't keep her eyes off where Prue would normally sit. She cleared her throat and then looked up at Grams,  
"Is Prue coming home today?" she asked, hoping to get a straight yes or no,  
  
"Piper. Not over breakfast," snarled Grams shooting Piper a nasty glare, "I was just wondering is all..." said Piper quietly, "yes, she's coming home... now no more on the subject," said Grams, Piper opened her mouth to say something but clamped it shut when she saw the look on Grams face. "Where is Prue?" asked Phoebe innocently, "See what you've done now Piper!" yelled Grams, "We were trying to shield Phoebe from all this!" "I'm sorry," muttered Piper, looking intensly into her corn flakes, "Well, now you'll have to explain to her," said Grams, "Me?" questioned Piper, Grams glared at her once more, "Yes, you." She said sternly, "Fine. Phoebe Prue is in hospital she fell down and cut her arms... but she'll be getting out today," said Piper gently to Phoebe, then she turned to Grams and had anger in her voice, "Is that good enough... I suppose that's what you want everyone to believe... you want everyone to be shielded from Prue's pain... don't you!" "Well naturally I don't want the whole neighbourhood knowing out business," sighed Grams smiling, "Then why didn't you shield me?" asked Piper, "Don't be silly Piper, you could handle this... besides it doesn't really bother you that much anyway," smiled Grams, "How would you know? You haven't even spent more than three seconds with me since this whole thing with Prue started... well except to tell me what's happening with her, and how you're feeling about it, you've never once asked me how I'm dealing with it!" yelled Piper, "We have to concentrate on Prue right now!" said Grams forcing a smil efor Phoebe's benefit, "We always have to focus on Prue... for three goddamn years we've focused on Prue!" said Piper, not bothering to shield Phoebe in any way, "Are you saying that I should ignore your sisters pain?" asked Grams, "Why not... you certainly ignore mine!"  
  
"Yes, she gets out at about three and she'll be here when you get home from school... have a nice day Piper," sighed Grams clearing away the plates. Piper took a second to snap back into what her mind had thought up and what had really happen, "Yeah, sure," she said before lifting her back and heading to school.  
  
***  
  
She arrived in class just after the bell had gone and took her usual seat. She looked around the classroom and saw her teacher enter, before long the class had started but then there was a knock at the door. A young woman who worked in the office walked in and spoke quietly to the teacher,  
  
"Piper, could you go to the office please?" asked Mrs Hall, Piper got up and headed for the door. She walked with the woman to the office, when she got there she was led into a room where her headmaster – Mr DeWitt and Deputy Head, Mrs Collins – were sitting. She sat down and looked around the room, "Piper... I hate to be the bearer of bad news but..." sighed Mr Dewitt, "What's wrong?" asked Piper, instantly on alert. "Its your sister, Prue... as you know she's in hospital, but your grandmother just phoned and it appears that something happened during the night." He said, "What?" asked Piper trying to hold the tears back, "You see... as you know Prue was having some problems and she was getting help for them and seeing a therapist," as he spoke the last two words they sounded dirty, Piper was used to using these words but suddenly they didn't sound normal, "Just tell me," she demanded, "Well... Piper, Prue passed away today." He said quietly, "What?" asked Piper in disbelief, "She took her life," he said.  
  
"Piper could you go to the office," asked Mrs Hall after briefly speaking with the office assistant, It was a daydream... thought Piper. She cleared her things and walked to the front of the class. The journey from the classroom to the office seemed so familiar, it had the same eerie silence she had imagined. When she arrived at the office she was escorted into the headmaster's office, he sat with her guidance teacher, Mr Anderson "What's going on? Is it Prue?" asked Piper, instantly, "What? No, this is about you Piper," sighed Mr Anderson, "You see, Mrs Hall showed us some of you poetry... and we agree with her that it is quite worrying." "But I told Mrs Hall, its not real... its made up," said Piper, "We know that but still, we feel that these feelings have to be coming from somewhere inside you and we just want to try and help you find out where... so we've arranged for you to speak to Mrs Loch," he sighed, "Mrs Loch... I don't know her, who is she?" asked Piper very confused, "She's the school psychologist," said Mr Anderson, "She'll be meeting with you later in the week."  
  
A/N: Ok, there's the next chapter. And in case anyone doesn't know this fic is loosely based around my personal circumstances so unfortunately I will not be able to update the next chapter of this fic until Wednesday night. However, don't worry I promise you it will be updated by then. Please R&R.  
  
Blessed Be 


	4. Sidelines

A/N: I just want to say a quick thank you to my reviews… and post a little individual comment for each of you but if you don't want to read it then just scroll straight past until you see the title of the fic. Thanks!

Line100 – Thanks for reviewing, I recognise your name you've possibly reviewed on of my other fics. So thanks for keeping reading my stuff. And to answer your question yes this fic is piper central although it deals with issues that started because of Prue – but that'll be explained.

Piperlover/leo – Thanks for reviewing and unfortunately because this fic is based when Piper and everyone are teenagers Leo will not be featured in the is fic but if I make a sequel leo will be in it.

ProtectionPaige – Thanks for reviewing. I recognise your user name also, chances are I've read something of yours. 

Kate – I'm glad you liked my fic, and hope you keep reading it. And I'm glad my poem touched you. And don't worry Prue's problem will be explained possibly within the next two chapters.

FuryPiper – Thanks for reviewing I hope you like my fic.

Nicole (bobcat4540@aol.com) - Thanks for reading and reviewing my fic, I hope you're enjoying it. Just to clarify the reason that piper is having these daydreams – she's not actually seeing things – is because of how she's dealing with Prue's problem. It's causing her mental anguish, and it's also what I'm going through and this is sort of what the fic is based around. Thanks, keep reading.

Jess – Yes I wrote the poem myself, and please keep reviewing I love getting feedback on how I'm doing. I will include more of my original poetry in further chapters.

Fanatic – Thank you for drawing it to my attention that its hard to figure out what day dream and what's not. When I'm typing it I have the daydreams in italics but I'll find a way to figure out how to make it clearer. Keep reading hope you enjoy it.

***

To Look Again

Piper walked along the corridors from the headmaster's office… _School psychologist _she thought to herself… _How I am going to keep this one a secret from Grams… surely the school would phone her… _with that thought Piper turned round and started running for the office. She burst in and everyone turned to look at her, 

            "Piper?" asked her guidance teacher, "What's wrong?" Piper took a long breath in and then back out and then turned to face him,

"I was just wondering if you're going to phone my grandmother?" she asked, attempting to be casual. 

"Well, under the circumstances we are meant to but you are old enough to decide whether or not we should," he sighed,

"I don't want her to know." Said Piper sternly, "Not yet anyway,"

"That's your decision, but I do think that she should know,"

"Then I don't want her to know, if it's my decision, then don't call her," said Piper before leaving the office one final time. 

****

The next morning Piper was called to speak with the psychologist, she hadn't expected it to happen so quickly. She just assumed that it would take some time but she went along anyway. As she walked into the small, cardboard box type room she saw a young looking woman sitting across from her in front of a desk, Piper smiled and took a seat in front of her.

"Piper Halliwell?' asked the woman,

"Yes," said Piper quietly, she avoided eye contact with the woman, who stared directly at her,

"I understand you've been having some problems recently…" she said as she ruffled through some paper, she lifted out a small file and placed it on top of all the rest.

"Nope, I think my teachers are just over reacting," sighed Piper,

"Well… personally I don't think so. I think that you are hurting deep inside and don't want to talk to anyone but you have to understand that you need to get these feelings out," said the woman,

"But you're not listening…" said Piper,

"Tell you what… just listen to this and tell me what you think," she paused for a second and then started again,

"I watch you from the sidelines,

And witness all your pain,

I see what you are going through,

And all that your blood does stain,

Everything is second hand,

All your smiles make believe,

And now I start to understand,

Why you think you have to leave,

You're faking every laugh,

A bittersweet moment of joy,

You're smiling truly false,

The fake emotions you deploy,

I hear your cries everywhere I go,

And see your inner face,

But I still can't begin to see,

Why your hearts an empty space,

Every time I see the scars,

I wonder if they're new,

I wonder why you felt so bad,

What's so wrong with you?

The gashes running up your arms,

Make me think of times before,

Was I really truly dense?

Or did I choose to just ignore,

Did I really pray inside?

That you were doing fine,

Or did I try to ignore the sight,

Of the first red lines?

I try to understand,

Just what you're living with,

But deep inside I wonder still,

Is happiness just a myth?

I wish I knew how I could help,

But it all just confusing me,

All I can do is be here for you,

And hope that you will see,

I watch you from the sidelines,

And witness all you pain,

I see what you are going through,

And all that your blood does stain…"

A/N: Ok so I said that I wouldn't have this chapter updated until later this week but I decided that I would write it so here it is hope you like it please review. And I hope the thank yous at the top didn't annoy anyone too much…


	5. Prue's Anguish Piper's Torment

To Look Again

Prue's Anguish… Piper's Torment

            Prue sat alone in her bedroom, she had just returned from the hospital about an hour ago. Soft tears rolled down her cheeks as she looked at a photo of Piper, Phoebe and herself. She stroked her finger across the glass and wiped away the tears that had landed on it, suddenly there was a knock at the door. Prue quickly wiped away the tears and took a deep breath in,

"Come in," she said quietly, the door opened and Piper stood on the other side,

"Hey… welcome home," said Piper, she hovered in the doorway – not intentionally but it was always difficult when Prue came home – she never knew what to say to her. Prue smiled,

"Hi, you miss me?" she said jokingly, Prue always made a joke out of everything and this cut Piper even deeper.

"Of course, always," smiled Piper, she paused for a second and then turned to walk out the room, "erm… Grams says that dinner is almost ready," she said and then turned and left. She closed the door behind her and wandered to the bathroom, she walked in and shut the door. Slowly she felt the tears mounting up behind her eyes. She closed her eyes and felt a single tear escape, she opened her eyes and looked towards the ceiling, _hold it together… just through dinner _she told herself.

Meanwhile back in Prue's bedroom, Prue still sat on her bed, she hadn't moved since Piper had been in. She slowly got up off the bed and walked over to the mirror, her face was red… it was obvious she had crying. She lifted her foundation and dabbed it on her cheeks, she took another deep breath in and accepted that she would have to go down for something to eat. She walked towards the door and opened it, she headed for the bathroom. Piper had left there a few moments earlier, she closed the door behind her and sat on the side of the bath, she reached into the drawer that was closest to her and lifted out a razor. She held it in her hands for a few seconds and the carefully broke the blade out of its frame. She binned the frame and then watched as the blade glinted in the light – mesmerised by it – slowly she pulled up her sleeve and revealed an arm full of cuts and scars. She brought the blade down and rested it on her wrist, _its just a release… just one small cut… won't do any harm…_ she told herself quietly. Without thinking any more she slowly began to draw the blade across her wrist…

***

Phoebe, Prue and Piper sat round the dinner table and sat silently waiting for Grams to bring their meals. Piper asked if she could help but as usual Grams refused, Prue looked towards Phoebe and Piper in turn who both smiled and then looked in a different direction. Prue sighed and also looked away, suddenly Grams walked in she placed plates in front of all three girls and put one down for herself.

"So, lets eat girls. I for one am starving," she smiled, and lifted her fork. "So Piper what did you get up to at school today?" she asked casually,

"Nothing…" sighed Piper trying to avoid a conversation – she hadn't told Grams about the school psychologist yet – and she wasn't planning to.

"You mean you just did nothing," pushed Grams, "You just sat around all day,"

"I mean it was just like every other day," sighed Piper, 

"OK, then Phoebe what happened at your school?" said Grams,

"Well, Britney told Kristy that Madison told Scott that I like him when I actual fact I don't, so I told Madison to tell Kristy to tell Britney to tell Scott that it was like so not true but anyway, now Scott likes me but I don't like him and he keeps following me around and stuff and its so weird. So tomorrow…" Phoebe story continued on like that but Piper's mind wandered after a few seconds.

****

"Grams… could you come in her for a second?" said Piper as she stood in her bedroom door, Grams walked over and entered her granddaughters room,

_"What's up Piper?" asked Grams as she sat down on Piper's bed,_

_"The school psychologist was in school today… and my guidance teacher sent me to speak to her." Said Piper, Grams looked shocked,_

_"Why? Why would your teacher send you to see someone like that?" asked Grams,_

_"Erm… well, the school… erm my guidance teacher thought that well I had some issues that I wasn't sharing with people. And that there's some things I need to work through with professional help," sighed Piper,_

_"Why would he think this?" asked Grams, tears slowly began to form at the corners of her eyes,_

_"Because…I've been… writing poems, and things… and I've been upset at school… and they think that I'm repressing things…" Piper stuttered,_

_"But that's not true…you're not repressing anything," said Grams, confidently,_

_"Yes I have," sighed Piper, "I've been bottling things up and hiding things for you but I can't do it anymore… its just too much for me Grams," Piper was soon sobbing, as Grams held back her tears,_

_"Piper, I know that things have been difficult for us recently… they've been difficult for all of us but you have to understand that we all have to focus on helping Prue get better… because as soon as she's better things will start improving for us," said Grams,_

_"But Grams you're not listening to me. I can't deal with this any more… I'm weak, and I can't… its just too hard, its been so long and there's so much pain and its been happening for… going on for so long. I can't take any more of this, Grams I can't deal with it and I need support, I need it. Please Grams…" sobbed Piper,_

_"We need to focus on Prue… if we help her, then things for us will improve. I know they will, you just have to be strong." Sighed Grams as she stood up. "We won't have to be strong much longer, Prue is dealing with this now," With that Grams left the room, leaving Piper sobbing._

_****_

"Piper. Piper?" asked Prue, Piper jolted back to reality and glanced quickly at her sister,

"Sorry…  I was… daydreaming," sighed Piper, "You were saying,"

"I was just going to ask if you were ok," sighed Prue,

"Yeah, sure, just daydreaming… that's all. Grams, can I be excused, I've got loads of homework to do," said Piper, lifting her plate off the table,

"Sure, don't' work to hard," smiled Grams. Piper left the room and headed straight upstairs; she walked into her bedroom and threw herself on her bed. After sobbing for an hour or so, Piper fell asleep. She was falling asleep easily these days, her body was both mentally and physically exhausted she couldn't keep her eyes open after crying for more than an hour. 

Meanwhile downstairs in dining room Prue also cleared her plate and headed upstairs once more, she headed back towards the bathroom and locked the door behind her. She started running the hot water into the bath and waited until it was about half full before adding cold water, slowly she lowered her body into the steaming water and welcomed the heat. Slowly she lifted her razor and began shaving her legs, slowly as she dragged the razor up and down her leg she felt the familiar feeling once more. Prue quickly slammed the razor down and pulled the plug, slowly the water level got lower and lower until Prue was not longer sitting in any water. She began shaking, partly from being cold but partly because she was scared… scared how bad things were getting once more.


	6. Haunting Me

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Charmed Or Anything To Do With The TV Show Itself

To Look Again – Haunting Me

            Piper lay in her bed, tossing and turning, suddenly she awoke sharply. She wiped her forehead and look around the room, _just a dream_ she thought to herself_ just another dream_… She looked over at the clock, it read 2.30 am, if this were any other morning she would have read a book or attempted to get back to sleep but it was a weekend and she didn't have to be up at six 'o'clock as usual so she decided that she'd better try and get more sleep. She turned to face the open window that looked out to the San Francisco streets, after a few moments she was sleeping and within half an hour in a deep sleep, and haunting dream…

            Piper looked around, she appeared to be standing in a church of some sort, there was someone standing beside her but she couldn't figure out whom it was. She got up out her seat in an attempt to leave the church but when she got half way down the walkway a coffin began getting carried in. Piper stopped dead in her tracks and took the nearest available seat. She sat down and listened as slowly the coffin approached her, as it passed her she peered inside and suddenly her breathing stopped. It was Prue.

            Piper's eyes darted back and forewords, the church was becoming clearer once more. Grams was the figure that sat beside her, and Phoebe next to Grams. Their father lurked in the back, hiding from Grams; people from Prue's classes in school filled the pews behind Piper, Grams and Phoebe. Piper turned and looked at Grams, she was holding a napkin up at her eyes and nose in attempt to stop the tears but Piper could see them flowing past it. Phoebe sat cuddling into Grams, holding her tight whilst Piper sat on the outside. Prue's coffin had reached the top of the church and was placed on the podium, next to a photo of her. Piper wondered how she had never seen the photo before; it wasn't one that she recognised. Slowly a minister walked over and stood just in front of the coffin,

            "Today is such a tragic day. We are here to celebrate the life of Prudence Halliwell, know to most as Prue. She was a young, beautiful, caring and loving girl with a beautiful heart and soul. But instead of me telling you that she has gone to a better place here is her sister Piper to say a few words about her," said the minister stepping down and allowing Piper to step up. She was slowly walking again her will, soon enough she had taken the place of the minister. Piper cleared her throat and then began,

            "I haven't really prepared anything… but," she smiled and then tried to continue, "I thought that if I were to give you the perfect send off then I'd need to tell everyone about what a wonderful sister you were, about how much I'm going to miss you and how much I love you. But to speak honestly my mind hasn't fully adjusted to the fact that you're gone and I don't want to share childhood memories, I don't want to tell everyone here how much I cared for you, I don't want them to steal any parts of you that I remember. I want to keep all these memories to myself; I want to have them locked up inside me forever. But they came for a moving speech that would let them know how much we all love you, I'm just worried that what I say will be a let down." She paused and then looked away from the photograph of Prue, "My sister Prue died, she took her life because she was unhappy. And even though we're all unhappy now hopefully she has finally found the peace that she couldn't find in life. Hopefully by taking her life she will live on in heaven, I can only pray that she's looking down on me. That she knows how much I love her and that I'll never forget her, I'll never let go of the memories that we've formed, picnics in the park, staying up late gossiping, borrowing clothes, and sharing secrets… I will hold onto these forever, they're all I've got," with that Piper left the podium and headed for the front doors of the church. She burst through the huge doors and stepped out into the pouring rain, the water droplets splashed over her face. And she saw Prue, standing, bleeding, crying, haunting…

            Piper jolted awake, she wiped the cold sweat that had appeared from her forehead and began to breath shallowly. Slowly she felt a lonesome tear drip down her face and fall onto the bed sheets. She instantly wiped away that tear and lay back down in bed, lying awake, haunted by the image of Prue in her dream… slowly she began to quietly sob, holding the cover tight to her body. Desperate for the comfort of a loved one, desperate to be held. Wanting someone to tell her that things will be all right, desperate for someone to hold her tight, gently stroke her hair and tell her that the screams she was hearing were just a dream, nothing more…

***

            Outside Piper's bedroom door, Prue had her ear firmly pressed to the wood. Listening quietly to her sister's sobs, what am I doing to them? How can I continue to hurt them all like this? I have to stop all this hurt… I don't want them to hurt anymore; I just have to end it all… with one quick, bold movement… it can all be over…  she quickly fled from the door when she heard Piper getting out of her bed, Prue closed her own door quietly and reached under her mattress as she heard Piper run into the bathroom. She pulled out a razor blade and pressed it on her wrists, slowly but deeply she began to cut, the blood instantly began to spill. Dripping fierily onto the bedspread… Prue continued to cut, soon enough her arm was covered in new, deep, bleeding cuts.

            "I don't want to leave them… I can't… I must, why?" she slowly started to mumble, soon enough the blood loss had travelled to her head, the top half of her body began to feel heavy within minutes she had fallen to the floor with a thump. The blood made a new trail onto the floor, soon she was surrounded with blood. 

            The door opened just before everything went black,

            "Prue?" called Piper, and then everything faded to darkness.

A/N: Sorry this chapter has taken me longer to update guys. This is a really hard fic to write, I think its hitting closer to home than I first thought it might, but I hope you're all enjoying it and thank you so much for being so patient with me. I know that its pain when I spend ages without updating.

Blessed Be****


	7. Every Time, Phoebe's Revealation

Disclaimer: I do not own Charmed or any of the characters from the TV show. The song "Every Time" is taken from Britney Spears album "In The Zone" and I have no connection it or the artist.

To Look Again – Every Time, Phoebe's Revelation

Notice me, Take my hand,

Why were we, strangers when,

Our love is strong,

Why can't we cope without me?

                Sirens blazed outside, red lights flashed across Piper's face as she stood at the front door. She held her arm tightly around Phoebe's shoulder who stood beside her, snuggling her small face into Piper's side.  Piper's tears had subsided but her face was still red, Grams walked quickly up to the house. Piper looked at her hopefully,

                "I'm going with Prue to hospital. Put Phoebe back to her bed, there no point in you two coming up because you'll just be sent home. I'm going to stay the night with her, and I'll come and get you two in the morning to see her." She said methodically, she was like a robot barking orders at them,

"How is she?" asked Piper, straining hard to hold back tears, "Is she going to be alright,"

"I don't know anything yet Piper. I'll call when I have more information, I have to go." She said and with that she left her two youngest granddaughters sobbing on the steps. As they ambulance quickly pulled out of the driveway and headed speeding towards the local hospital Piper lead Phoebe inside and shut the door behind them.

"Why is Prue going to hospital… what's going on, Piper I don't understand," sobbed the young girl, Piper pulled Phoebe close to her and hugged her tight. She wanted nothing more than to shield Phoebe from all the pain that she felt herself but didn't know how.

"Prue had an accident. She got a cut and they are just taking her to hospital to make sure everything is alright… she's going to be fine," sighed Piper, praying deep inside that her words would not turn out to be lies. "Well, I think that you should get some sleep… it's still very early, so how about I take you up to bed?" asked Piper hoping that Phoebe would not object.

"I don't want to… sleep in bed, can't I sleep here?" asked Phoebe, not feeling like fighting Piper nodded her head and then went to get bedding.

Every time I try to fly,

I fall without my wings,

I feel so small,

I guess I need you baby,

And every time I sleep,

You're in my dreams,

I see you're face,

Its haunting me,

I guess I need you baby,

Phoebe was settled within the hour, sleeping sound as Piper sat next to her gently stroking her hair. Holding the phone desperately in one hand she slowly allowed tears to fall gently.

Piper opened Prue's bedroom door, "Prue?" she called gently, her eyes narrowed when she saw her sister's body laying on the floor. 

_"Prue?" she sobbed, "Prue?" she ran over to her and tried to rouse her but Prue wouldn't wake… Piper ran quickly from the room and into Grams. She lay asleep in bed, Piper suddenly started yelling,_

_"Grams! Prue… she's bleeding, there's blood everywhere… and she… she won't wake up. I can't wake her up… Grams… please she won't… I can't… there's no… its too…" sobbed Piper hysterically, Grams quickly jumped out of bed and ran straight through to Prue's bedroom, she stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Prue's motionless body,_

_"Call 911," she said instantly as she ran towards Prue's body, Piper stood still for a second until Grams' words had registered and then ran instantly towards to phone. She picked it up and dialled 911,_

_"Operator, what is your emergency?"_

Piper darted her head up, shocked she looked around to try and figure out what she had heard. Then she looked towards her hand, the phone was ringing, _Please let it be Grams'_ she prayed,

"Hello?" she said, then waited a couple of seconds for a response,

"Piper?" said the small voice on the other side, it was instantly recognised as Grams,

"Yes," said Piper, it felt stupid just to reply 'yes' but Piper couldn't think of anything else to say,

"Its bad Piper," sighed Grams, not attempting to shield Piper, "Prue has lost a lot of blood, the doctors say she doesn't have any medication in her system or anything but she has lost a lot of blood. They've given her more but they are worried about the damage the cuts have done…" Grams' voice was breaking into sobs as she spoke, "They don't know how she'll pull through,"

I make believe,

That you are here,

It's the only way,

That I see clear,

What have I done?

You seem to move uneasy.

Piper and Grams had hung up the phone not long after, and Piper had instantly started to sob. She tried to keep quiet so as not to wake Phoebe but her efforts didn't work and soon enough Phoebe was awake looking desperately at her sister. After a few seconds Phoebe spoke up,

"Prue… she's… she's not well is she?" she said quietly, Piper said nothing, merely shook her head, "But, she didn't get cut… I mean not by accident." She continued, this caused Piper to look up,

"What do you mean?" asked Piper,

"She… I mean that… those cuts, the ones on her arms… they… they're not by accident. She did that… she did it to herself… didn't she?" sobbed Phoebe quietly, Piper shook her head,

"No." she said shortly,

"Don't lie to me," pleaded Phoebe. Suddenly everything that Piper thought she knew was thrown into question. _I couldn't protect her; I couldn't protect Phoebe from all the awful things in this world… I tried but I couldn't. I'm such a failure_ she though,

"OK, yes. Prue made those cuts herself, but that doesn't mean anything. It had nothing to do with you or me or Grams… and," Phoebe cut her off,

"I know… she's just unhappy, she cries you know. All the time, I hear her late at nights, when everyone thinks I'm asleep. She's cries lots, every night almost… I sometimes hold a pillow to my ears so I can't hear it, doesn't always work though…"

"Oh, Phoebe," sobbed Piper, hearing what her younger sister was going through was heartbreaking to Piper, she had hoped to have shielded Phoebe from at least some of it,

"She's not going to be alright is she… she's went too far this time, I know it," wept the young child,

"Well…" Piper started but again Phoebe interrupted,

"Lie to me,"

Every time I try to fly,

I fall without my wings,

I feel so small,

I guess I need you baby,

And every time I sleep,

You're in my dreams,

I see you're face,

You're haunting me,

I guess I need you baby,

Phoebe had fallen to sleep about an hour after speaking to Piper, and Piper had drifted off into an uneasy sleep not long after that. The next thing either of the knew Grams' was waking them gently,

"Hey," sighed Piper as she yawned and sat up, disturbing Phoebe unintentionally when she did,

"Hi Grams," smiled Phoebe, pulling her grandmother into a hug instantly,

"How is she?" asked Piper, abstaining from the hug, Grams stayed silent for a second and looked away from Piper, "Grams? What happened?" asked Piper, Grams took a few deep breaths in and then turned back to her granddaughters,

"She… she's… as you know she lost a lot of blood and well… she's," Grams paused and looked intensely towards the ceiling, trying to stop tears, "She's slipped into a coma… in the early hours of this morning," she said quietly. Piper took a deep breath in and felt the tears well up behind her eyes. Phoebe looked at Grams heartbroken and shocked. Her face made Piper want to cry even more, _no one that young she wear a face with that much pain _thought Piper.

"What else did the doctors say?" sobbed Piper, trying not to cry but the tears were too much she couldn't help it,

"They told us… they said we should… we should, hope for the best…" Grams paused for a second and then continued, "But prepare for the worst,"

I may have made it rain,

Please forgive me,

My weakness caused you pain,

Now save my soul please,

Piper, Phoebe and Grams sat on the sofa for what seemed like the longest time ever and then Grams went upstairs to bring Prue some clothing and other things she might need if she woke up. Piper and Phoebe sat in silence on the sofa then once more Phoebe began to speak,

"Earlier… I asked if Prue would be alright… and you said you were sure," sobbed Phoebe,

"I know," replied Piper,

"Why did you say that," asked Phoebe,

"You told me to…" she started and then stopped – saying what she was going to would have placed blame on Phoebe in her eyes and Piper didn't want that – "I wanted her to alright, I was praying that she would be… I lied,"

At night I pray,

That soon you're face will fade away,

Every time I try to fly,

I fall without my wings,

I feel so small,

I guess I need you baby,

And every time I sleep,

You're in my dreams,

I see you're face its haunting me,

I guess I need you baby…


	8. Strong Enough

Disclaimer: I do not own Charmed or the song used in this fic – Strong Enough By Stactie Orrico.

A/N: Some of the words in the song have been changed to fit the fic. But there have been no major changes.

Strong Enough

As I rest against this cold hard wall,

Will you pass me by?

Will you criticise me as I sit and cry?

I had fought so hard and thought that all my battle have been won,

Only to find the war had just begun…

Piper walked down the hallways at school, heading for her English class. Slowly people started congregating in the hallways, Piper couldn't figure out where they had all come from but she could hear them whispering. She continued going and pretended not to here them, suddenly she found herself standing in front of Prue's group. It was headed by a blonde girl called Mindy Carmichael, Piper tried to move past her but Mindy wouldn't let her.

"Can I help you?" asked Piper, staring intensely at the floor,

"Well… as you know we're Prue's best friends…" said Mindy, smugly like she was rubbing it in Piper's face, "And we were just wondering where she is?"

"If you're her best friends you should know that shouldn't you," snarled Piper and pushed her way past Mindy,

"Well… you see, we heard that Prue is in hospital because she tried to kill herself? And if you don't tell us the truth we'll just have to tell everyone that asks exactly that and that could ruin Prue's reputation… she'd be a suicidal head case," smiled Mindy, taking some kind of sick pleasure knowing what had happened to Prue,

"That's not true!" Struck Piper, she turned back to face Mindy,

"Really, then where is Prue?" she asked,

"She's at home in bed. She's got a cold, that's all," said Piper, praying that someone would believe her,

"I don't believe you." Said Mindy instantly,

"Well its true," replied Piper, she could feel the tears mounting behind her eyes,

"I heard that she's in hospital, and I think that's true. But if she's really at home she'll be there when I call tonight won't she?" smirked Mindy, Piper sighed,

"Okay… Prue is in hospital. But not because she tried to kill herself or anything as ridiculous as that. She fell down a couple of stairs and hit her head off the table, she's only in for observation. She'll be out by the weekend," said Piper, hoping that they would drop it at that.

"Oh, well give her my regards," she said as she walked past Piper and continued down the hallway.

Is she not strong enough?

Is she not pure enough?

To break me, pour me out?

And start again?

Is she not brave enough?

To take one chance on me,

Please can I have one chance to start again?

                Piper survived through her English class and then was called to the guidance office. She stood outside the small office until the door before her opened and a familiar woman stood in front of her, it was Mrs Loch. She invited Piper in and told her to take a seat; they sat and stared at Piper for what seemed like forever,

"Piper… you're Grandmother just phoned," she sighed, Piper's eyes narrowed,

"Oh God… what's wrong? What's happened? Is she ok?" asked Piper out of instinct,

"She told the headmaster what happened with Prue a few night's ago, why she's in hospital," replied Mrs Loch,

"Oh," Piper sighed, "Why did she say anything… to the school I mean, what's happening. Its private,"

"She wanted the school to know in case…" she started but Piper cut her off,

"I got upset," Piper finished,

"No. In case they wanted you to bring Prue some homework or in case you needed out early to visit her or something,"

Will my weakness for an hour,

Make me suffer for a lifetime?

Is there any way to be made whole again?

If I feel renewed and find forgiveness find a strength I've never had,

Will my scars forever ruin all God's plan?

Piper sat for a few moments before any one said anything again, then Mrs Loch spoke up,

"Piper, we now understand your poems, and why you were so against everything in the first place," she paused for a second, "What you've been dealing with is huge and you've obviously been dealing with it on your own and now you don't have too,"

"What if I want to?" Piper muttered,

"Pardon?"

"What if I want to!" yelled Piper, "What if I don't want any help? What if I want to curl up n a tiny ball and cry? What if I want to cut myself like she does so I can understand what she's been going through? What if that's what I want? Why doesn't any one understand these things?"

"Piper, you can't deal with this on your own. And even if you think you can a part of must know that you can't,"

"I can!"

"But you don't have to," sighed Mrs Loch,

"You don't have to fight this by yourself, you don't have to face things by yourself anymore. There are people who can help you to deal with things and you don't have to hide away from the help that people are willing to give you,"

Is she not strong enough?

Is she not pure enough?

To break me, pour me out,

And start again?

Is she not brave enough?

To take one chance on me,

Please can I have one chance to start again?

Before Mrs Loch could continue her telephone rang, she turned and answered quietly,

"Hello… Yes, I'll accept the call… Hello, it's good to hear from you again… Oh, I see… well would you like to tell her… certainly… I can speak to her… I'll have her dismissed from classes for the rest of the day… would you like me to bring her… certainly… which school is the youngest at… I know where that is… I'll make it as soon as possible… goodbye Mrs Halliwell," sighed Mrs Loch hanging up the phone,

"Grams? That was my Grams?" asked Piper desperately,

"Yes, it was," sighed Mrs Loch once more,

"What's wrong? What about the youngest? Phoebe? Why were you asking about her school? Where will you be as soon as possible? What's happening?" demanded Piper, each question running into one another,

"Piper, calm down," she replied, "Its Prue. You're Grams says that she's taken a turn for the worse… and she thinks that you and your sister, Phoebe need to be there… so, we'll sign you out of school and then go and get Phoebe."

"What…" said Piper, reeling from what she had just been told,

"Then I'll take both of you to the hospital," She got up out her seat and opened the door for Piper. They walked in silence for the office where Mrs Loch explained the situation and signed Piper out of the school, and then they headed for Phoebe's school in Mrs Loch's car.

"I'll go get her, I think that I should tell her," sad Piper in a toneless voice opening her car door as they arrived outside Phoebe's school. Mrs Loch nodded as Piper climbed out the car. Piper walked along the empty corridors at Phoebe's school and arrived outside Phoebe's classroom. She walked into the classroom and spoke quietly to the teacher, then slowly walked towards Phoebe who was sitting at her desk chatting to her friends.

"Phoebe," she said, her sister's head jerked round and she looked up at her sister,

"Piper?" she questioned, "What are you doing here?"

"Can you come with me?" asked Piper who was trying to lead Phoebe out of the crowded classroom,

"What's wrong? Why aren't you in school?"

"Phoebe, just come with me," with reluctance Phoebe got up out her chair and followed Piper into the corridor,

"What are you doing here Piper, what's wrong?" she demanded,

"Lets go for a walk." Sighed Piper,

"No! Just tell me,"

"Its bad, Pheebs," sniffled Piper, "Really bad, well actually I'm not sure how bad,"

"Prue?" asked Phoebe instantly, Piper nodded.

She took my life into her hands and turned it all around,

In my most desperate circumstance its there I'm finally found,

That you were strong enough,

That you were pure enough,

To break me, pour me out,

And start again?

That you were brave enough,

To take one chance on me,

Oh thank you for my chance to start again.


	9. Keeping Secrets

Disclaimer: Same as usual

To Look Again –  Keeping Secrets

            Mrs Loch's car pulled into hospital's car park about fifteen minutes after Piper had told Phoebe and brought her from school, Piper and Phoebe got out they went to walk to the building but Piper stopped suddenly,

"Hey, thanks for driving us. We can manage from here," she said quietly,

"Of course," smiled Mrs Loch and then Piper and Phoebe headed for the hospital from door. They arrived inside and headed towards the receptionist,

"Hi, erm… what room is Prudence Halliwell in please?" asked Piper politely,

"Hang on, I'll just check," said the blonde woman who sat behind the desk. She clicked some buttons on her computer and then continued, "She on the third floor, room 521," With that Piper took Phoebe by the hand and they walked to the elevator. Once the doors of the elevator had slammed shut Piper knew there was no turning back, there was no way that she could run away now. She didn't want to run away from what was happening, she knew that these things existed she just assumed that they would never be in her life. The ride in the elevator seemed to last forever, but no long enough at the same time and within a minute the doors opened at the third floor.

Phoebe's grip tightened on Piper's hand as they walked along what seemed like an endless corridor, if it wasn't for Phoebe's hand tightly gripped in Piper's she would have turned back, gotten into the elevator and ran straight home. But she couldn't, she had to go through with this for Phoebe's sake, if she couldn't do it for herself she would do it for her sister. She hadn't been able to save Prue from what was going on and she was determined to save Phoebe, or at least shield her from some of the things. Soon enough the arrived outside the room marked 521, Piper paused for a second before going in but had to face things when she felt Phoebe's hand tugging on her own. They pushed opened the door and went in, Grams was sitting in a chair beside Prue's bed, holding her eldest granddaughter's hand, locked in hers. She was quietly sobbing and didn't even look up when the door opened, Piper and Phoebe walked over to their grandmother, and soon enough the family was locked in a hug, with only Prue missing.

"How is she?" asked Piper, once the embrace had subsided,

"I'm not going to lie to you, she's not doing good," Grams paused and looked towards her young granddaughters, "They said that she started to improve a little this morning, her heart beat was starting to regulate and it looked as though she was starting to come out of things. But," she paused once more, tears rolling slowly down her face, "The doctors say that her body isn't fighting… at least, not by itself. They claim that if she doesn't start fighting soon enough well… you know…" she said, it was heartbreaking for Piper to see her Grams having to explain all these things to her.

"What do you mean, fighting?" asked Phoebe staring at the floor deliberately avoiding eye contact,

"She means," said Piper, trying to spare any hurt she could from Grams, "That Prue's immune system – the part of your body that fights illnesses – isn't responding very well. And that just now these machines are helping it to get strong again so that she can fight by herself and get better," she said, then she looked to Grams. As if searching for approval over what she had said, Grams nodded and smiled,

"Oh," said Phoebe, Piper wasn't sure if she actually understood what was going on but at the same time she didn't want to doubt her sister – she had though that Phoebe wouldn't have known that Prue was cutting herself but she had known. She wasn't sure how much Phoebe could understand, and that terrified more than she was willing to admit. The family sat in silence for about half an hour before a doctor came in, the man was short and stout and had tufts of brown hair sticking out from the top of his head,

"Hello, Mrs Halliwell, My names Dr Levenstien, I've been Prudence's doctor since she was admitted to this ward. I've been keeping an eye on her progress and all her statistics and ob's and everything," he said with a warm, smiling face,

"Oh, hello," muttered Grams; quickly wiping away any residue the tears had left on her cheeks. "So, can you tell me anything new about Prue's condition?" she asked, the doctor opened his mouth to speak but then looked quickly towards Piper and Phoebe,

"Perhaps we should speak in private," he said quietly, Grams instantly reached into her purse and lifted out some coins,

"Piper, take Phoebe to the cafeteria and get something to eat. No one's been eating right since this whole thing; get a good meal into her. Take about half an hour, get something for yourself also," she said handing Piper the money,

"But Grams… I'd like to know what's happening," said Piper her voice trailing a little towards the end of her sentence,

"Just do it Piper," said Grams, raising her voice slightly,

"Fine," said Piper, with a moody tone, she took Phoebe's hand and pulled her little sister out of the room. They headed quickly for the cafeteria and joined the queue for hot meals as soon as they arrived.

"So what do you want to eat?" asked Piper, trying to get rid of the nasty tone she had gained since being told to leave the room,

"I don't know… maybe macaroni or a hot dog… I'm not really bothered," sighed Phoebe, trying not to anger Piper anymore than she already was,

"Well Grams said a good meal so, pick what ever you want. And get a desert as well… why not?" said Piper, lifting herself an apple and a juice,

"Ok, then can I have some fish and chips? I always liked fish and chips from cafeteria's… so did Prue," asked Phoebe quietly,

"Sure," sighed Piper. After ordering the food and paying at the till Phoebe lifted her tray and Piper helped her to carry it over to the table, they sat in silence while Phoebe slowly began munching into her fish and chips.

Back at the manor Piper sat alone with Grams, the clock in the hallway chimed eleven. Outside the night skies poured heavy rain, Piper pulled her blanket round her small frame and continued pretending to read her book. But she was secretly thinking non-stop about what the doctor had told Grams about Prue's condition, slowly she worked up the courage to broach the subject with her grandmother,

"Grams…" she said quietly,

"Yes Piper," replied the old woman, not looking up from her knitting, Grams always knitted when she was anxious,

"I was just wondering… what did the doctor tell you when me and Phoebe were out of the room?" she said very quickly hoping that saying it quickly would draw some attention away from what she was asking,

"Well, I guess you're going to find out sometime…" she sighed, she put down her needles and looked for the first time at Piper, "The doctor said that Prue was still not fighting her injuries… and the longer that that went on, the worse she would get. They said that they were doing everything they could to bring her back into consciousness but unless her body starts to fight for itself there efforts will always be wasted. There is a slight chance that this coma could leave her with very slight brain damage if she doesn't wake up soon… but hopefully she'll respond to the drugs there giving her which do something like kick start her body's natural defence system… but for now all we can do is wait," she sighed, and then picked up her needles once more.

"Thanks," said Piper, _Oh God, she's not going to get through this… how can my sister leave me? Why won't she fight, why is this happening… why does Grams refuse to shield me from any of this? _By answering Piper's question Grams had unintentionally brought thousands more to her head. Suddenly the phone rang, Grams jumped up and quickly answered it,

"Penny Halliwell," she said, "Yes… oh… thank god, when can we come up… right… ok, thank you," she said, and then hung up the phone. She turned to face Piper,

"Who was it Grams?" she asked,

"It was the hospital," she replied, "Prue's awake…"


	10. Wake Glen's

Disclaimer: I do not own charmed

To Look Again – Wake Glen's

Prue sat alone in her hospital bedroom, staring down at her bruised and scarred wrists and forearms. Slowly a single tear dripped down her pale cheeks, she instantly wiped the tear away brashly with her hand.

"Why," she sobbed quietly to herself, "Why can't I stop? If not for me, why can't I stop for them?" slowly more tears began to fall, _I have to stop… I have too, I'm hurting everyone around me and I have to stop… why am I not strong enough to stop? Why can everyone else be strong except me, people deal with shit like this every day but they all deal with it! Why can't I? _Before she knew what was happening she was digging her shortened fingernails deep into her skin. Not hard enough to cut her skin but still callous enough to cause her skin to become red. Suddenly the door burst open and a short man stood before her,

"Prudence Halliwell?" asked the man, Prue sat up in bed and instantly jerked her hand away from her wrist. After a few seconds she answered him,

"Yes… erm, yeah I'm Prue… Prudence, can I help you?" she stuttered, praying that this man whom she assumed was a doctor wouldn't pay attention to her reddened wrist.

"Hello, Prue is it? I'm Dr Harrison. The on-site psychiatric specialist. I'm here to discuss some things with you," he said, Prue looked confused,

"Yes… I mean yeah its Prue… what do you want to discuss with me?" she asked, the man walked quickly into the room and took a seat next to Prue's bed,

"I want to discuss your current situation with you," he sighed,

"What do you mean? I'm getting discharged today so there isn't really a situation," she said,

"Well by getting discharged… that means that you're getting out of this hospital but we don't feel that you're… I mean we're not confident that you should be at home just yet," he said,

"What? Where would I go? If I don't go home, then where?" she asked, dreading the answer,

"Well, we are considering admitting you to Wake Glen's Hospital for a few weeks, or it might even be less than that," he said,

"Wake Glen's? That's a mental institute… why? I mean, I feel way better now… I don't need to go there. And I'm eighteen now… you can't force me to go if I say no," she protested,

"We can Prue… we'd like you to go voluntarily but if need be we will get a court order…we'd prefer not to do that but… if we have no choice," he sighed,

"No!" she yelled, "I'm not going!"

"I'm afraid it's for your own good," he sighed, getting up out his chair, "Your grandmother will be in soon, to make arrangements with you, remember we're all just doing what's best for you,"

"Yeah." She said moodily, "You forgot to say I'll thank you for this one day," with that the doctor left the room and Prue tore into the bathroom in a mood.

Piper pushed open the door to Prue's bedroom door; she walked in and placed the magazines that she had brought with her on Prue's empty bed,

"Prue?" she asked, "Prue? Are you in the bathroom?" she said as she knocked three times on the doorstep,

"Yeah…" came a mumbled voice from inside, "I'll be right out," Piper heard a few quiet coughs and then the door opened, Prue lifted her water and took a big gulp,

"Are you alright?" she asked, looking concerned,

"Yeah. Those stupid pills that the doctors… upset my stomach," she said as she climbed onto her bed,

"Oh, ok. So, I thought you were getting out today, I was going to come and walk you home but Grams said that you might not be coming home… I wasn't sure. I brought magazines," she said, looking confused and hurt,

"Well, I thought that I was getting out too. But then, some doctor came and…" she paused and looked at her baby sister,

"And what?" asked Piper,

"And… they want to… I mean they're going to," Prue stuttered and tried to hold back tears,

"Just tell me Prue, I'm a big girl I can handle it," sighed Piper, secretly dreading what Prue was going to say,

"But you shouldn't have to… handle it. You're my baby sister and I shouldn't be putting you through all this, and I'm making it so hard on you and I wish that I could make things go away but I just can't and now they're taking about locking me away," Prue's face was red with tears as she sobbed her heart out to her sister for the first time ever,

"Locking you away?" Piper questioned,

"Wake Glen's…" sobbed Prue,

"Wake Glen's? The psychiatric place?"

"Yeah, for a couple of weeks… at the least," she sobbed, trying to wipe tears from her eyes,

"Its ok Prue… things will be alright… I'll visit you every day, and we can talk, and play cards and order Chinese or whatever and things will get better and you'll see. Everything is going to be all right… I promise," said Piper, pulling her elder sister in for a hug, they sat for what seemed like the longest time locked in a sisterly embrace.

Half an hour later Grams and Phoebe showed up, Grams was clutching Phoebe tightly by the hand, Piper was still reeling from the news that Prue was going to be locked away. Out of her reach, all alone for god knows how long. Grams had set about gathering up the things in Prue's hospital room, putting all the magazines in a tidy pile and opening the window to let some air in.

"So Prue… how are you this morning?" asked Grams, being careful not to make eye contact with her granddaughter, Prue let out a disgruntled sigh and glared at her grandmother,

"Pissed off," she said bluntly, Grams stopped what she was doing and turned to face Prue,

"Prudence. I will not tolerate that language!" she scolded, Grams always scolded Prue's language, however Prue didn't care at this point,

"Grams, they are going to lock me up! I'm not getting home today, I'm just getting moved into a worse place, where I'll have to ask to go for a walk or to use the bathroom probably!" yelled Prue, glaring viciously at her grandmother, Phoebe slowly curled up on the chair in the far away corner, trying to make herself invisible,

"Prue you're exaggerating. Things at Wake Glen will not be that bad, and we'll visit you all the time and you'll get through everything," sighed Grams, Prue opened her mouth to speak and then thought for a second,

"I… I never told you that it was Wake Glen's they wanted to send me, how did you know that?" demanded Prue,

"I know that because… the doctors spoke to me about things first and I approved their idea to admit you," sighed Grams,

"You! You agreed to let them lock me up! How could you? How dare you!" yelled Prue,

"Prudence! Don't take that tone with me! I did what I thought was best for you," said Grams in an equally loud tone,

"Don't you think that I know is what's best for me? I don't want to go there, it'll make things worse I promise you!" yelled Prue, completely ignoring Grams warning,

"Prue! Now we can talk about this rationally or we cannot talk about it at all! Your choice," said Grams, after that Piper made an excuse to leave and quickly left the room.

Piper ran quickly through the hospital corridors, she wasn't sure where she was running to all she knew was that she had to get away from Prue's room. She couldn't stand the tense atmosphere in the room, she felt guilty for leaving Phoebe there but right now all she could think about were the tears welling up behind her eyes and slowly beginning to drip down her face. She continued to run until she felt herself bang straight into something in front of her, it was another person, a guy. Both of them fell to the ground and landed with a thump, the guy was carrying papers, and folders of all kinds which went every where when Piper bumped into him,

"Oh, I'm sorry," said Piper, quickly trying to wipe away any tears that had fallen onto her cheeks,

"That's alright," smiled the guy whom sat across from her, Piper looked up and was startled by his warm, handsome smile,

"Here, let me help you with the papers and stuff," she said quickly pushing her hair behind her ears and beginning to put them into neat piles,

"Thanks," he said. A few moments later after everything was in neat and tidy piles, they stood opposite each other,

"Hey, you ok?" he asked, noticing Piper's reddened face,

"Yeah. My Grandmother and sister were arguing so I thought I'd better disappear and let them yell it out," joked Piper, hoping not to sound like a complete mental case,

"So… you wanna go for a cup of coffee or a soda or something?" he asked, smiling,

"Erm… I probably shouldn't," sighed Piper,

"Look, you look like you could use a break and I was heading there anyway so… I could use the company," he smiled once more,

"Er… all right. I could use something to drink, just let me go back and get some money from my bag." She smiled, for the first time in a long time Piper felt like a normal girl, not someone who lived in such a world of hurt,

"That's alright… its on me," he smiled and then pointed his hand towards the sign for the cafeteria., "I'm Dan by the way,"

"Piper,"


	11. Reasoning

Disclaimer: I do not own Charmed

A/N: This is sort of a rare treat for all my readers out there… two updates at once, but that is mainly because I have up to chapter 16 written on my computer but I don't want to update them all at once because if I do then each individual chapter will lose effect and personally I don't think it would work as well if I just uploaded everything at once… let me know what you think…

To Look Again – Reasoning

"Prue, I don't know why you're being so stubborn. You must realise that this is for your own good," sighed Grams, the fighting had continued long after Piper had left and was still going on,

"That's what the doctor said, but it's not going to help me being in there. Things will get worse. Why are you doing this to me," begged Prue,

"I'm not doing anything, you brought this on yourself." Said Grams, shedding a small tear,

"I'm sorry Grams… I'm sorry that I'm not the perfect granddaughter. I'm sorry that I can't face a single day without feeling like shit! I wish that I could be someone who could be happy and act like a normal human being but I just can't!" yelled Prue, breaking into tears,

"But why Prue. I don't understand why you feel so badly… and I wish that I could but I just don't know how I can help you unless you talk to me about all of this. Why can't you speak to me?" Sobbed Grams,

"Because you won't let me!" yelled Prue. Grams looked up at her, hurt, she tried to speak but couldn't form anything. After a few moments Grams spoke,

"What do you mean… how won't I let you speak to me. Prudence, you can talk to me about anything… I'll always be here for you but I just can't seem to deal with…"

"Me? You can't deal with me. That's what you're saying and I know that you feel like you can't deal with all my problems and I wish that I was better, or smarter, or different for you and I know that you don't want me…" said Prue,

"No. Prue I love you,"

"Only because you have to. When Mom died you had to love me, and you had to raise me and my sisters and you resented Mom for that… and I was angry at her for leaving us as well but I dealt with it as best I could,"

"No, I love you because I want to. And I do not resent your mother in any way! I loved Patty more than anything in this world and I love you three just the same. I thought that I raised you the best I could but…"

"You did. You raised Piper and Phoebe fine, but not me. You never treated me like you treated them." Sobbed Prue,

"How? How can you think that I treated you any different from how I treated your sisters?" asked Grams, trying desperately not to yell at Prue,

"Because you resented me as well!" Yelled Prue. Grams' mouth fell open as she heard her granddaughter's hurtful words,

"Prue… I never… I couldn't… I never resented you," cried Grams, "Why do you think that Prue?"

"You know that during Mom's funeral you never hugged me, you never told me everything was going to be alright… for the months afterwards when I woke with nightmares in a cold sweat you never came and hugged me and told me it was just a dream. For years you haven't spoken to me about Mom even on the anniversary of her death, or on her birthday or anything… you just refused to mention her. It seemed like you were glad she was gone, you moved all her photo's from the house… and… and… and you wouldn't even look at me anymore," said Prue, stuttering towards the end as her eyes filled with tears that dripped slowly down her red cheeks,

"Prue… I… I… how can you feel like that…. How can you think that I never look at you or talk about your mother," sobbed Grams trying to hold back her tears,

"Because it's true… you never look at me because I look like her! You always used to tell me how much I looked like Mom, even as a child. I have her eyes, her smile, her hair, her nose… you always told me that I was so much like my Mom and nothing like Dad… and I was happy. I loved the fact that I was like Mom and not like Dad… and I loved that you told me but then she died and you stopped and then you wouldn't look at me. And I wanted to know why, but would never bring the subject up,"

"Because it hurt Prue! And I'm sorry if you felt like I treated you badly but I couldn't face you after Patty's death and I know that it hurt you but I couldn't help it… It was so hard and I wish that I could help, or help you deal with things but it was just so hard. You are the spitting mage of you mother, always have been. And I just couldn't face you afterwards and I hate that I have to say this too you because I know how much its going to hurt but you deserve to know the truth." Sobbed the old woman,

"I just wanted to know why… I knew that you hated me but I didn't know why and I just wanted to understand why you resented me so much… why you didn't love me anymore. Why no one loved me anymore," sobbed Prue,

"Prue everyone loves you, me, your sisters, your friends, everyone. You're a bright young woman and every one cares so much about you… I just can't believe that I drove you to this… all this that I have been feeling have driven you to such an awful thing, and I'm sorry… I just don't know how I could help you"

"You can't… I need to be alone, can you…" asked Prue rolling over and facing the other direction where she saw Phoebe sitting curled up on the chair. Small tears rolling down her cheeks,

"Sure, come on Phoebe," sighed Grams, wiping her tears and leading Phoebe from the room. Leaving her eldest granddaughter alone, again.

"So, you said you're visiting your sister," sighed Dan, pushing his long hair from his eyes, "What's up with her… unless you don't wanna say,"

"No," said Piper, " I can talk about it," she took a sip from the hot chocolate Dan had bought for her and look at him, he smiled at her and she smiled back, "My sister, Prue… she's got some problems – mental ones, and well that basically why she's in here," she sighed,

"Oh," said Dan, "Is she ok? That's sort of stupid to ask… I mean obviously not but you know,"

"Well… I'm not really sure. No one really tells me anything, trying to protect me I guess…"

"Must be tough, knowing that something is wrong but not being told anything about it," he said, drinking from his can of cola,

"Yeah. I mean there's a lot of stuff that I don't want to know but some stuff that I think I need to," said Piper,

"I get that, I mean adults they want to protect you from everything but don't realise that by protecting you too much it's doing more harm than good. So how much do your parents tell you?" asked Dan,

"My parents aren't here… my mom died when I was young and they had divorced long before that, its just me and my grams and my two sisters," said Piper, "But you know what's weird, I find myself trying to protect my younger sister, Phoebe, it's like so contradicting I'm trying to protect her from everything which is exactly what Grams is trying to do for me. I just wonder if it's worse for Phoebe what I'm doing?"

"Yeah, but you just want to protect your sister," said Dan,

"You know… its weird how easy it is to talk to you. I mean I just met you and I feel like I can talk to you, you're the first person that I've really spoken to all this about and I don't even know you," smiled Piper,

"Well, I'm a pretty easy going guy… maybe that's why you can talk to me," said Dan,

"Oh no," said Piper looking towards the door, "There's my Grams… I guess her and Prue have stopped yelling at each other and its time for us to go," a dismal look spread across her face, "Thanks for talking to me and for the hot chocolate… it was nice meeting you,"

"Ditto, hey… can I have your number?" said Dan, then quickly, "Incase you want to talk again… it seems to me like you don't really have anyone else to talk  about any of this to and you can talk to me,"

"Yeah sure… erm, gotta pen?" she asked, he handed her one and then she quickly wrote her name and number of a napkin.

"I'll give you a call some time," And with that Piper left the cafeteria with Grams and Phoebe at her side.


	12. Fleeing The Scene

Disclaimer: I do not own charmed.

To Look Again – Fleeing The Scene

            Prue sat on her hospital bed, slowly watching the clock as the minutes slowly ticked past. She was getting discharged from the hospital that day as soon as the clock struck 12.30 pm she could leave, and she couldn't wait. It was 12.00 pm just now, _only half an hour left, _she thought to herself. However being discharged from hospital was bittersweet for Prue, for at the same time the next day she was being checked into Wake Glen's. She was being allowed home to pack a suitcase, and then someone would come and collect her. _I'm like a condemned prison, given their last meal before being taken to the electric chair,_ she thought. 12.10 pm, only twenty minutes before Grams and Piper were due to come and collect her, Phoebe was sent to stay at a friends house whilst Prue was home. Grams didn't want any of this affecting Phoebe if she could help it, although she knew it was a long shot, but she didn't want Phoebe there when Prue got sent away. Twenty minutes later Grams arrived with Piper in tow, they walked in and greeted Prue, there was still tension between Prue and Grams, Piper tried her best to ignore it but she couldn't help but feel it. Grams had never told Piper what she and Prue had talked – or rather argued – about after she had left and Piper dared not ask Phoebe, but inside she knew that it would answer some of her questions that forever plagued her.

"Hi Prue… you excited about going home?" asked Piper, forcing a cheerful attitude and smiling falsely,

"Yeah… well at least I would be if I thought that I was going to get to stay there… but no, its just for one night," snarled Prue, shooting a glare in Grams' direction,

"Prudence, don't make this harder," sighed Grams as she slowly lifted the bags which Prue had packed last night with magazines and they few items of clothing she had in the hospital with her,

"Fine, lets just go," said Prue walking towards her door, Grams and Piper stood alone for a second and then continued out the room. The car journey home was the most uncomfortable that Piper had faced in a long time, Grams drove silently, muttering under her breath about incompetent young drivers. Prue sat in the back seat of the car for the first time in years, staring blankly out the front window, clutching a teddy bear that Piper had bought her from the hospital gift shop. Piper sat in the back also, she held Prue's bag in her lap, and watched the road and cars fly past her, she had tried her best to make the journey more comfortable by suggesting such games as the license plate game or poker with the cards that were in Prue's bag. But her efforts had failed.

Once home Prue headed straight for her bedroom, whilst Piper went to the kitchen and started to prepare some lunch for them, they ate in silence however Piper took it as a good sign that Prue had come down for lunch. She wasn't completely blanking her entire family, although she also felt that Prue just came down because of her. Soon darkness fell and Piper was back in the kitchen preparing dinner – each family member had their own nervous habits, for Grams it was knitting, for Phoebe it was nail biting, Prue's used to be drawing but Piper wasn't sure if it still was and Piper's was cooking, so she did. At half past six Piper set the table and lifted the meals, Grams sat down at the table and smiling lightly at Piper,

"I'll go get Prue," smiled Piper and headed upstairs, she knocked quietly after arriving at Prue's door, there was no reply from inside so Piper pushed the door open slightly, "Prue… are you sleeping?" she called as she walked into the room and looked around, she walked over the bed and moved the covers around, "Prue?" she called, she pulled the bedspread back and then looked around. She started the head to the door when she saw it, a few droplets of blood heading out of the room. Piper headed for the bathroom and pushed on the door, to her surprise it opened almost instantly and there was Prue.

"Piper!" she yelled, she was sitting on the side of the bathtub, razor blade deeply pressed against her arm which was leaking blood, Piper was speechless. She felt tears coming behind her eyes and felt her entire body shaking, Prue said nothing and didn't move a muscle… neither did Piper. Piper's eyes were fixated on Prue's arms, which were bleeding badly, witnessing the act of cutting made things far more real for Piper and things she had forgotten came flooding back to her brain. She watched as every drop of blood splashed into the small pool now forming at Prue's feet and staining the bathroom carpet; slowly she took a few steps backwards and exited the bathroom. This is when Prue moved, she got up and walked towards Piper, her eyes helpless and her body becoming weak she followed her sister into the hallway, trailing blood with her. She reached out her non-bloody hand to Piper how backed away quicker,

"Don't touch me!" she yelled in an instant, she hadn't meant to sound so harsh but she wasn't thinking clearly,

"Piper… please…" Sobbed Prue, "Please,"

"Don't… just stay… don't, keep away," sobbed Piper, who had let her tears fall,

"Please…. Piper… please, just… don't, please," sobbed Prue,

"No! Don't touch me!" yelled Piper again as Prue had walked towards her,

"What's going on here?" yelled Grams who had appeared at the top of the stairs, Piper shot round to face her grandmother,

"Grams…" she said quietly,

"Piper… please," sobbed Prue, repeating the same words,

"Prue…" said Grams seeing Prue's wound for the first time since the were hidden behind Piper,

"Please… Grams… Piper… please… please…save… help… save… please… help, me," sobbed Prue breaking down on the floor, and curling up in the foetal position, Grams ran past Piper and pulled Prue into her arms,

"Piper, get some towels from the bathroom and then go and get the first aid kit, there should be tourniquets," said Grams, holding Prue's arm in the air to try and stop the bleeding, Piper stood completely still and watched as Grams tried her best to help Prue,

"Piper," sobbed Prue, Piper's eyed moved down to Prue from Grams and she looked deep into her helpless sister's eyes, "Please…" Piper turned from them and ran quickly down the stairs,

"No!" yelled Prue, "Piper… please… don't go, please," Piper heard Prue yelling from the upstairs hallway but she continued down the stairs, she ran straight for the front door and out it without a second thought,

"Piper!" shouted Grams from upstairs, but the only reply she got what the front door slamming behind Piper.

"She's gone… gone… gone… GONE!!" sobbed Prue, "Grams… please… help… help,"

"I'm going to help you Prue," sobbed Grams,

"Help her…"


	13. Taking Over Me

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Charmed, the song in this fic is Evanescence – Taking Over Me, which I also do not own.

A/N: I don't know if San Francisco has a pier but for this chapter's sake lets just decide that it does.

To Look Again – Taking Over Me

You don't remember me,

But I remember you,

I lie awake and try,

So hard not to think of you,

But who can decide what they dream,

And dream I do…

            Piper ran through the streets of San Francisco, her hair blowing violently in the winds and swirling round her face. She kept running despite her legs aching and screaming for her to stop, her heart was beating faster than normal inside her chest, she felt if she stopped it would break her chest. She continued running, she wasn't sure where she was going, or even where she was but she knew that she couldn't stop, if she stopped it would be like giving up and she couldn't do that… she could never give up the fight to survive. But recently it had been so hard not to give in, she continued running, trying desperately not to give in. Slowly she felt her legs become weaker and weaker, and soon enough she felt them buckle at the knees and she fell to the ground. She hit the ground hard, her hands slammed against the cold ground in order for her to stop her head hitting the pavement. She lay on the ground for a second, not moving, not thinking, not crying, just lying. She heard the skies above growl with a clap of thunder, and soon felt small drops of water hit her back, suddenly the image of Prue's wounds flashed into her head and the tears fell.

            Before long the tears were falling as violently as the now pouring rain, Piper found herself soaked to the skin, her clothes sticking to her cold flesh. She pulled herself up off the cold; wet ground and looked down at the outline of her body, the ground that she had kept dry. Within seconds the shape was gone and all the ground was covered in rain, which fell aggressively from the skies and drain into the drains as if never there, the only way she knew it had been was the wet patches on the ground and the puddles that had formed.

I believe in you,

I'll give up everything,

Just to find you,

I have to be with you,

To live, to breath,

You're taking over me…

            Piper slowly began walking through the empty streets, her footsteps echoing into the darkness and splashing in the occasional puddle as she went, the rain kept on falling, as did her tears. She soon found herself walking towards the pier; she heard the waves crashing on the jagged rocks at the edge of it, she continued to walk until she found herself standing at the end of it. She looked down towards the waves, they were so methodical… she knew exactly what they were going to do, they would come into shore, crash on the rocks, create some sea spray and then slowly get smaller as they reached land. Somehow knowing what the waves were going to do was comforting to her, she knew that they would not change so suddenly.  Any change they made was gradual and not only that, expected. She knew that the waves went in and they went out, that's all they did… they didn't know anything else and were contented being like that. _So peaceful, so expected, so calming… why can't everything be like the waves… predictable… why does everything have to violent, and hurtful… why is there so much pain? _ Slowly Piper lifted her head to the skies, she had never really had a big faith in God and wasn't sure what she believed, but talking to someone made her feel better, blaming God for what happened helped her,

"Do you think this is funny? I'll bet you do, you like to see someone suffer… is that how you get your kicks in heaven? Is my life like some stupid soap opera? Am I just someone for you to toy with! Why do you let her suffer like this, how can you? You're meant to love everyone but you let her suffer, you let me suffer, and Grams and Phoebe and everyone… how can you possibly help anyone if you let them stay in this pain… I deserve some sort of happiness… I'm a good person, a good student and a good granddaughter and dammit I'm a great sister! So I do deserve… no I demand a little happiness in my life and hers. And I will stand in this very spot until you make her pain go away… I demand that you make her better, and take away her pain! I deserve it and I fucking demand it!" she yelled, looking towards the skies, she felt more tears come to her eyes as there was no answer… she knew that there wouldn't be an answer but now that she hadn't gotten one she felt worse for it. She looked down at the water; the waves were so compelling, so attractive in the way that they were predictable,

"Fine," she muttered, she took a step closer to the edge of the pier, "Fine," she looked down at the waves, the waves the would consume her…

Have you forgotten all I know?

And all we had?

You saw me mourning my love for you,

And touched my hand,

I knew you loved me then,

            She looked down at the waves and then back at the sky, slowly a tear rolled off her cheek and into the water below her,

"If you won't take my pain away, if you would let all this hurt and pain and suffering take over me, my world and everything that I know… I can end it all myself, I don't need your help to do that… and I don't need to worry about if you'll stop me because I know that you won't… you don't stop anyone from hurting themselves or others. You don't care what happens to me, you couldn't care less if I jumped or if I went back home and had a good cry… no one cares what I do. They all just want to see Prue getting better, but that's not going to happen. By not helping her you're telling me that I'm going to lose my sister. Aren't you? I know that's what your doing, you're probably listening to all this hurt and pain in my heart and laughing, turning on headphones to block out my cries… so I'll jump, I'll end things for myself!" she yelled,

I believe in you,

I'd give up everything just to find you,

I have to be with you,

To live, to breath,

You're taking over me…

Piper took a few more steps towards the side of the pier, the heavy rain pelted against her skin causing it to become sore and red, he freezing skin still shivered and her teeth chattered together, her heart was still beating fast, and her breathing became shallow. _Not for much longer, _she thought to herself, _in a few minutes I'll be in the waves, they can consume me and devour everything about me… and I can never be hurt again… I won't hurt anymore; my pain will be gone and so will I… I'll finally be free from all this shit! _Slowly she held her foot out over the water, and held it in mid air, for her this was not a suicide. It was not a way to end her life, it was a way to be free, to free herself from the pain… dying was the consequence of freedom, but it was a consequence that she fully accepted, something that she knew had to happen… in order for her to be free, and live without pain, or fear, or hurt, or anger, or anything that could hurt her in anyway she had to die… it was her only way out…

"You don't care… no one cares if I die… I'm dead already…" she sobbed loudly, "I died inside long ago, everyone sees me as being dead… so they won't mourn me… you can't mourn for something that died long ago…"

"I care," said a voice from behind her,

I look in the mirror and see your face,

If I look deep enough,

So many things inside that are,

Just like you are taking over…

            Piper pulled her leg back onto land and spun round, her mouth dropped to speak but no words escaped when she saw a soaked Dan standing behind her. She closed her mouth and tried to think of what to say, but for the second time that night she was speechless, slowly she felt the tears begin to fall once more, slowly she felt her knees get weak once more and she fell fore ward, collapsing onto the wet ground that lay before her. She pulled her legs close to her chest and lay shaking; crying as the rain fell onto her collapsed body. Dan ran quickly over to her and placed his jacket round her, he pulled her close to him in hope of comforting her and warming her up. _I give up…_she thought to herself, she had finally stopped running…


	14. Conversations

Disclaimer: I do not own Charmed

To Look Again – Conversations

            Piper sat on the cold, wet ground wrapped tightly in Dan's jacket, and his arms. After about ten minutes he helped Piper to her feet, she stood silently, her tears had subsided but she was still sniffling, for the first time that night she noticed how cold she was and pulled the jacket round her, trying to lock in any heat left n her. Slowly Dan started walking away from the pier and walked her with him, she looked up at him and noticed that he too was soaking and shaking,

"Thank you," she said quietly, Dan took this small opportunity to start a conversation,

"For what?" he asked,

"For stopping me… for saving my life," she said, they continued walking and Dan tried to get Piper to talk at every opportune moment,

"Piper, I know that I barely know you… but you need someone to talk too, you can't deal with this all alone, and you don't have too… talk to me," he said, putting his arm around her shoulders and pulling her close to him to try and warm her up,

"You know what I was thinking when I was up there…" She said, completely ignoring what Dan had said as if she hadn't even heard him,

"I've got an idea…" he replied,

"I was thinking about the first time Prue took me to the pier… I was eight years old and she was ten, Grams was holding Phoebe in the car and Prue had walked me out to the end… we wanted to see if we could spot any fish. I was getting to close to the edge, and she pulled me back, being a rather stubborn child I protested… she told me that even though the water looked warm it wasn't… she told me it was freezing and if I fell in I wouldn't be able to get back out. She told me that the water was so cold that my body would go into shock and that I would be able to swim, and that I'd just sink to the bottom… and I remember asking her," she paused for a second, "I remember asking if she would jump in after me, I asked if she would save me… and she said 'always' she said that she would never let anyone hurt me and that I would always be safe with her… and I was…" she stopped,

"Go on," said Dan, he didn't want to interrupt her but wanted her to know that he was listening,

"Then tonight, I remember thinking that my body wouldn't go into shock from the cold, because I wouldn't let it… I didn't want to have given up involuntarily… I wanted to give up and I wanted me to do it. I wanted to let myself sink to the bottom, not because I couldn't swim, but because I wouldn't… and even when my foot was over the edge I still wondered if Prue would come and save me, if she would still swim in after me and pull me back out of the water… but she won't, she never will." Piper stopped for a few moments and then continued, "You know I wasn't actually trying to kill myself… not really, it was all just a way of stopping what I was feeling… it was like in order to stop what I was feeling I had to die… I didn't want to die but I just accepted that that was the consequence of being happy… death was the only way I could be happy, and I didn't care. I didn't even think about what my death would have done to Grams or Phoebe… and it never entered my head that it would probably push Prue over the edge… I didn't care… I just wanted all this pain, all this hurt to stop. And if I had to die for that to happen then I would and I would embrace this change…"

"You must know now that you can't leave everyone behind… you're too special to be dead," he said,

"But I am… dead I mean, I died inside a long time ago… back when all this started I felt myself dying as Prue got worse, there was nothing left inside me anymore… my body still worked and I carried on everyday life but inside there was nothing… just this black abyss, something that I couldn't escape… my organs still worked and my heart pumped blood, my lungs breathed, my bones moved but there was no soul… nothing that could pull me away from this feeling… I was empty and I was dead… but no one noticed… no one could see how I felt, and no one care to take the time to find out, I was invisible to everyone… and I was dead."

"I noticed," said Dan, "That day we met, when you bumped into me… you were going rather fast but not fast enough that you couldn't have seen me, you acted like you weren't even there, like you were invisible and you headed straight for me… I thought you would move which is why I didn't but you didn't either and we collided… but I noticed you, and I noticed all the pain you felt, it showed in every fibre of your being… and I wanted to help you. And I still do,"

"I wish that you didn't have to deal with any of this… its not your fault that I can't deal," sighed Piper,

"I can't believe you think you can't deal… Piper, you're a strong person, you're brave and you fight against everything…I hardly know you and I've figured this out, you're strong and you fight and you don't give in very easily,"

"Then what did I do tonight… I gave in, I really gave in and I wanted it all to stop, I didn't want to hurt anymore I didn't want to think I just want to give in and be left alone to die and accept that I was dead and move on with my life or death… I didn't care and I gave in,"

"But you didn't, you're still here… maybe you gave in for a second when you felt like there was no other option for you but you didn't completely give in… and something big must have happened for you to give in that much… something that you haven't mentioned and don't need to but the point is that you fought against it. You didn't run from it and you haven't given in … you just had a weak moment, that's all,"

"I walked in on her… I saw her cutting, and I ran… I left her there alone with Grams… I didn't call for help, I didn't try to help I just ran and didn't look back. And I don't feel strong at all, I feel weak like I can't even make it through another day, another second…" sobbed Piper,

"You might feel like you can't make it through another day but you do and that shows how strong you are… and how much of a fighter you are… the fact that you don't think you can make it, but you do…"

"But every day I'm getting closer to giving up and its just so hard to deal with any of this any more… I just can't seem to deal with anything else, and I hate it!"

"I know, its hard and I know that I can't help you to deal with it but I can help by being here, you can talk to me and you can confide in me… or you could just sit and say nothing, whatever you needed…  but just now I think I need to get you inside,"

"I can't go back home… or to the hospital… I can't face them just now, please, don't make me," she sobbed,

"It's alright, if you want you can come to mine… my parents aren't in, I can make up the sofa bed, and you could stay the night or you could go home when you feel ready… whatever you need," he said,

"Ok… thanks," she said. And they headed to Dan's house, for comfort and shelter from the rain and harsh winds… 

A/N: I would just like to put in a small note to mention that the next chapter contains scenes of a sexual nature and not everyone might want to read it… its just so your not shocked. Also, remember that Piper's behaviour is down to how she is feeling, alone, empty, invisible. So please don't review saying that I'm beng unrealistic. Thanks.


	15. Seduction: Whisper

Disclaimer: I do not own Charmed or the lyrics used in this chapter – Evanescence… Whisper

A/N: This chapter contains a significant amount of sexual activity and to a certain extent describe sexual acts – not in a sick way… or at least it didn't seem that way! – so if any of this offends you please just don't say I didn't warn you. If I get too many bad reviews about the content involved in this chapter I will remove it and upload a PG-13 version.

To Look Again – Seduction: Whisper

Catch me as I fall,

Say you're here and it's all over now,

Speaking to the atmosphere,

No one's here and I fall into myself,

This truth drives me into madness,

I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away,

                Dan led Piper into his living room, which was dimly lit by a roaring fire that blazed in the fireplace. He sat her down and then left the room temporarily, Piper sat alone on the couch staring dismally into space. A few moments later Dan returned with a couple of towels he sat down beside her and placed a towel around her shoulders and then used the other one to rub his hair and face dry. After a few minutes of silence Dan spoke,

"How are you feeling?" he asked, knowing instantly that it was a stupid question,

"I'm cold," replied Piper quietly, she was shivering to the bones but wasn't prepared to admit it to Dan, slowly Dan put his arm round Piper shoulder and pulled her close to him.

"Do you want another towel? Or to sit next to the fire?" he asked, looking down at the helpless quivering girl that sat in his arms,

"No… I'm alright, heating up," Piper lied,

"Well at least take of your jacket… its soaked, we can dry it by the fire," he said, he wondered what he could say to her after he had stopped warming her up. They would have to talk about Prue eventually but he didn't want to bring it up. Piper slipped out of her jacket and laid it out carefully in front of the fire. She watched the roaring flames for a moment as if in some sort of trance for a few seconds. Dan's hand touched her shoulder gently and snapped her out of the trance; she looked up at him and pushed her wet hair out of her face. She looked into his eyes which had the flames reflected in them,

"Why are you so nice to me?" she asked, her lips smiling but her eyes remaining hurt, "You hardly even know me but you're so nice… why?"

"I don't know… I guess I just don't want you to get hurt. I want to protect you," he smiled,

"What else do you want?" she asked,

"Nothing…" he replied, "Why would you think…"

"Do you want to kiss me?" she cut him off,

"Yeah, but Piper…"

"Then why don't you," she asked, moving her small frame closer to his,

"Piper… this… I shouldn't you're upset, I'd be taking advantage and I don't want to do that," he sighed, pulling away from her slightly hoping it was not enough to make her feel rejected,

"It's not taking advantage if I want you to," she said, as she moved closer,

"Piper…"

Don't turn away,

Don't give into the pain,

Don't try to hide,

Though they're screaming your name,

Don't close you eyes,

God knows what lies behind them,

Don't turn out the light,

Never sleep never die…

"Dan, please… I don't want to hurt anymore… I don't want to feel this pain, I want to feel something other than this and I can't bear it anymore. Please?" she said as she pulled her body closer to his. Soon they were both kneeling on the wooden floor; Piper stroked her hands up Dan's body until the rested gently on his shoulders and face.

"I… think about things… what if," said Dan, Piper moved her finger to his lips,

"Don't think… just act," she said as slowly she moved her face closer to his, and kissed him. His lips were rough, but his kiss was gentle and soon he relaxed. His hands brushed up and down Piper's back and moved throughout her hair, slowly Piper moved her hands up his body and slipped his pullover off. She rubbed her hands over his naked torso and began to un-button her blouse. Within minutes she felt herself being manoeuvred onto the wooden floorboards next to the fire, the cold floorboards felt good against her naked flesh…

Piper felt Dan's body moving on top of her small frame and moved with him, he slowly began kissing her neck gently and began moving down her body to her breasts and stomach. Holding him tightly against her she moved with him in everyway she could, he moved towards her face and kissed her gently,

"Are you sure you want this?" he whispered in her ear whilst massaging her chest with his hands, Piper breathed in and out heavily and kissed Dan's neck,

"Yes," she whispered back at him, and then embraced him for another kiss. "I want nothing more than to be here with you, and I'm glad I am," she whispered, she wasn't sure if he even heard her but she wanted to say it none the less. Slowly Dan helped Piper up off the wooden floor and pulled her towards the staircase, his arms round her waist he could easy move her petite form, she allowed herself to be moved by him completely. She didn't want to fight anything anymore, she just wanted to give in and be held by someone. He continued kissing her neck and face as he led her up the staircase and pulled her into his bedroom, he turned her as she entered the room and walked her slowly to the bed. She allowed herself to be backed onto the bed and his to climb on top of her, having shed most of her clothes downstairs she lay on the bed, naked, exposed, vulnerable…

I'm frightened by what I see,

But somehow I know that there's much more to come,

Immobilized by my fear,

And soon to be blinded by tears,

I can stop the pain if I will it all away…

Piper let go of her pain, her fears, and her inhibitions, everything that had been plaguing her for the past few months and gave into Dan completely. She allowed him to dominate her and consume her entirely, she groaned with passion and anticipation as he moved her all the right ways. He continued kissing her lips and neck intimately and held her close to him, Piper pulled her body close to his as she clung to his back with her hands. She was sure that he would have scratches on his back but it didn't seem to bother him so she ignored.

Some time later Piper lay in Dan's arms, holding her face close to his chest she kissed it gently, she kissed her forehead and ran his fingers through her hair. She looked up at him, for the first time in months she felt contented,

"Thank you," she smiled, as she slowly moved her hand over his chest,

"For what… taking advantage of you when you were vulnerable," he sighed, feeling like he had used this once innocent girl,

"No… you didn't take advantage… I wanted this, I enjoyed this. For the first time in months you made me feel…" she paused for a second,

"I made you feel what?" he asked, looking down at her confused,

"Like a normal girl." She replied, he smiled and kissed her gently, "There is some people who would have taken advantage of me but you're not one of them, and there's no one I'd have rather been with tonight… no one,"

"You're not an ordinary girl Piper," sighed Dan, Piper looked at him, shocked, "You're so much more than that." With that they slept, they slept all night in each others arms and for once Piper felt like she had some where that she belonged.

Don't turn away,

Don't give into the pain,

Don't try to hide,

Though they're screaming your name,

Don't close you eyes,

God knows what lies behind them,

Don't turn out the light,

Never sleep never die…

Morning came not long after they had fallen asleep, and Piper awoke. She found herself in Dan's arms and was alarmed for a second, _what am I doing here? _ She thought to herself and then everything came flooding back to her, Prue… all the blood, the pain, running away from home, being at the pier with Dan, coming home with Dan, sleeping with Dan, the feeling of being contented that came after being with Dan. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to fall back asleep, hopefully it would be a dream that was not interrupted by nightmares, and hopefully she would not be haunted by her sister's face as she slept. And for the first time in months… she wasn't.

Fallen angels at my feet,

Whispered voices at my ear,

Death before my eyes,

Lying next to me I fear,

She beckons me shall I give in,

Upon my end shall I begin,

Forsaking all I've fallen for I rise to meet the end…

A/N: I hope people liked this chapter it's a little more daring than my writing has previously been so feedback would be appreciated. Also I would like to know if people liked the direction I was taking this fic in, or whether they preferred it more being focused on Prue. Thanks for everyone who read this fic.


	16. The Morning After

Disclaimer: I do not own Charmed

A/N: Ok, just to clarify some questions that I have been asked in my reviews…

1) I will not be including Leo in this story for two reasons, the first I don't really like him that much well I don't like writing his character, and second he's already a white lighter and I don't want magic in this fic I want to concentrate on the angst and the emotional storyline.

2) How Dan knew where to find Piper will be explained in the next chapter after this one.

3) The reason that I haven't really focused so much on Prue and Piper interacting is because I'm basing this on my experience's in Pipers position and I don't interact that much with my sister and when we do its not like we have long emotional talks. If there is a long emotional talk between Prue and Piper at some point that will not be based on my experiences.

4) I would like to put in a special note to P3Halliwell329 who unfortunately has given up on this world… I would like to dedicate this story to her, or him. Blessed Be

To Look Again – The Morning After

Piper awoke that morning, wrapped in Dan's arms as he slept. She replaced the shape of her body with a pillow so as not to disturb him and quickly pulled on some clothes, she then headed downstairs. She lifted a pen and searched for a piece of paper, when she found it she began to write,

Dear Dan,

         I'm sorry I left you so early this morning… I can't explain why but I just need to get to the hospital… I don't even know if Prue's there of what but I just need to go, its not because I didn't enjoy last night… I'm glad that happened, I hope you are too. I just need to see if Prue is alright, and I wish that I could just lie in your arms all day but I'm sure that my Grams will be worrying about me and I need to see if Phoebe is coping alright. Thank you so much for last night, I don't know if I'd have survived it… in fact I'm sure I wouldn't have if you hadn't been there. I know it sounds dramatic but I feel like I'm falling for you… I don't know if you feel the same way. I'll possibly stop by at some point today, I hope you'll be home but don't feel you have to stay home incase I show up… I might not get a chance today.

Yours always, Piper.

With that Piper put the note on the table, a place she knew that Dan would find it and headed out quickly towards the hospital. She walked there; she had no money for a taxi and felt that the walk might do her good, get her so much needed fresh air. But the walk took about half an hour, which gave her that time to think about the previous night, something that she wished she wouldn't do… she hated what she had tried to do before Dan stopped her… she hated that she had just left Grams to deal with Prue, she didn't even know what had happened with Phoebe. Before she knew it she found herself standing in front of the hospital, she walked in and headed for the reception desk,

"Hi," smiled the reception, "How may I help you?"

"Erm… My sister, I'm not sure if she was brought in yesterday or if she wasn't and I was just wondering if she was here," replied Piper, knowing that she would feel stupid but relieved if Prue wasn't here,

"Ok, what's your sister's name?" asked the receptionist,

"Prue… Prudence Halliwell," replied Piper, remembering that she was not known as Prue in hospital,

"Let me check," said the receptionist as she typed the name into her computer, she clicked a few buttons and then turned back to Piper, "Yes, she was admitted here last night… around dinner time,"

"Can you tell me what room she's in?" asked Piper,

"Certainly she's on the third floor, room 654,"

"Thanks," said Piper and quickly she headed to the elevator. She arrived on the third floor a few seconds later and her hopes that Prue wasn't that bad were dashed when she saw a sign that said "Intensive Care" she slowly walked along the corridor and counted up from room 645 until she reached Prue's room. Grams and Phoebe were sitting on chairs outside the room, Piper walked up and smiled as Phoebe looked up towards her big sister, Phoebe got up and ran at Piper for a hug,

"Piper… its so good you're here," she said as she buried her face in Piper's side, Piper walked with her little sister over to Grams,

"How is she?" asked Piper quietly,

"She's not good Piper, no thanks to you…" snarled Grams, Piper looked at her Grams taken aback by her vicious reaction,

"Why are you two sitting out here," asked Piper,

"The doctors are examining her," said Grams,

"Yeah, but we've been allowed in before… when they've been…" said Piper but stopped as she saw Grams dangerous look on her face,

"Its because she in intensive care," said Phoebe, "The doctors need privacy, so we sit out here until they're finished,"

"Oh," replied Piper,

"Phoebe, be a dear and run down to the vending machine and buy Prue some chocolate for when she wakes up, get something for yourself… a drink or something," said Grams handing Phoebe money,

"I'll get that," said Piper,

"NO! Phoebe can go," said Grams pushing past Piper and handing Phoebe the money, Phoebe toddled off looking back several times as she went.

"Grams… about last night… I…" started Piper but Grams cut in,

"You want to explain yourself… what were you thinking Piper? How could you just leave, because you weren't there to do all the things I couldn't I had to leave Prue to get towels and tourniquets and phone the ambulance… what if those were her last moments and she was all alone?" said Grams, wanting to yell but keeping her voice lowered but angry in consideration for others,

"But they weren't her last moments, she's ok again," said Piper,

"She not ok! Piper she is in intensive care because she tried to kill herself and for some reason you wouldn't help her? Why wouldn't you help you big sister? Don't you love her? Why could you only think about you're self?" said Grams, her hurtful words cut through Piper like the razor blade from the night before,

"I wasn't thinking of myself," said Piper quietly,

"Then why did you run off… if you were thinking about Prue you wouldn't have ran away, you would have stopped and helped her… why were you so selfish?" said Grams,

"I wasn't… I was always thinking… about… Prue, never about myself, not for months," said Piper, tears welling up behind her eyes,

"What? What aren't you telling me Piper? I know when you're lying to me, and I just want to know why you ran away last night… why?"

"Never mind, you wouldn't understand," snarled Piper, as she turned away from her Grandmother,

"Speak to me Piper, don't just dismiss me," she said, "And don't take that tone with me,"

"Why not Grams? Why shouldn't I be allowed to yell at you? You yell at me for being selfish, and only thinking about me and abandoning Prue… you don't know what you're talking about! You never have!" said Piper,

"What do you mean?" asked Grams,

"For one thing, Prue didn't try to kill herself last night… are you so blind you couldn't even see that?" asked Piper,

"That's not true…she did and I saw her with my own eyes,"

"No Grams, she was self injuring… she wasn't trying to kill herself, the cuts weren't deep enough,"

"But I saw…" said Grams, in disbelief that Piper knew all this,

"And it hurt to see didn't it?" said Piper

"Of course," replied Grams,

"Well, I saw her last night, I saw her with the blade in her arm, I saw the blood in her bedroom, I found her stash of razors, the bloody tourniquets hidden in her closet, the pictures of our family where she has cut her face out… the ones that she treasured, I've seen the sadness in her eyes, the tears welling up behind them… and I found her after her latest suicide attempt. I found her with the cuts bleeding all over the floor… I've never seen as much blood in my whole life! And I saw the pill bottle, empty, with only a few pills by her side, I saw her unconscious face that still showed the pain that it always did… I saw all this! Now you tell me how much it hurt for you to find her!" said Piper, tears streaming down her face,

"Why didn't you tell me? How you were feeling?" asked Piper,

"Because you were never there! You always concentrated on getting Prue through this… I became invisible!"


	17. Admitted, Coming Clean

Disclaimer: I do not own Charmed

To Look Again – Admitted, Coming Clean

Lets go back,

Back to the beginning,

Back to when

The earth, the sun, the stars, all align,

Cause perfect did feel so perfect,

Trying to fit a square into a circle,

Was no life?

 I defined….

"How can you think that you're invisible Piper? I just don't understand how you can feel these things?" said Grams, shocked at what her granddaughter had just admitted,

"That's just it Grams, you don't understand… you never can because you haven't seen what I've seen, felt what I'm feeling, you don't know what it feels like to cry yourself to sleep at night… you don't know what its like to wake up crying from nightmares, I just wanted someone to tell me that it was going to be alright but you were never there, you could never see all the I was going through and I tried to deal with it. I tried to shut it out, but its all just too much! I can't take it anymore Grams, I can't fight this alone because I think I'm slowly driving myself crazy… I can't get any of this out of my head, the pictures of Prue's bleeding arms are always there, her glazed over eyes as she lay on the floor unconscious! Everything is all inside my head and I can 't get rid of it… I can never get rid of it!" said Piper, slowly sobbing as she went,

"Piper I…" began Grams, but before she could finish the room to Prue's door opened back up, the doctors came trailing out and one stood before them,

"Mrs Halliwell," he asked,

"Yes, how's Prue?" asked Grams,

"She's awake, she's still a little groggy and out of things but she's awake and she appears to be doing better," said the doctor as he slowly flipped through some note he had in his hands,

"So she's going to be alright?" asked Grams,

"Yes. In fact she'll be moved to Wake Glen's this evening around six, she'll be settled in for medication tonight," said the doctor, "She was very lucky," he said as he walked off,

"We'll talk more at home," said Grams before she walked into Prue's room, "Prue?" asked Grams, as she pulled the curtains back and let some light into the room. Piper walked in slowly, this was a scene that she had seen too many times, Prue was hooked up to a drip; Piper assumed that it was giving nutrients, her arms were banged to her elbows and she had a small oxygen mask on. Prue smiled when she saw Piper appear, she moved her hand up and pulled the mask off,

"Hi," she smiled quietly; Piper just smiled and looked down at her sister,

"Prue… how are you feeling?" asked Grams, shyly, she was still bemused by what Piper had revealed to her. _How could I not have noticed all the pain in this house, first Prue and then Piper… I wonder how Phoebe is coping… I wish I knew what was going on inside their heads…_

"I'm alright," sighed Prue, she looked down at her bandaged wrists once more and then back at Grams, "I… I'm… sorry," she said quickly,

"That's alright dear…" said Grams after a few seconds, taken aback by Prue's apology, Prue had never mentioned anything before about being sorry, "As long as your alright everything will be fine… as long as you're ok," Piper smirked,

"What's up Piper?" asked Prue, Piper shot her a dirty look,

"Nothing," she grumbled, as she turned and faced the other direction,

"Piper?" asked Grams, but Piper didn't reply, she just continued looked away from her family, as slowly another tear dripped down her face, she didn't think she could cry as many tears as she had in the past few months, it seemed that her eyes had never been dry. She was always crying over the smallest thing but everything just seemed much bigger than it was to her. Everything caused tears, everything caused grief and hurt… she could never escape the pain.

Let the rain fall down,

And wake my dreams,

Let it wash away my sanity,

Because I want to feel the thunder, I want to scream,

Le the rain fall down,

I'm coming clean,

I'm coming clean,

Piper sat in the waiting room for the next half hour whilst Grams and Phoebe were inside talking, Prue had asked what was wrong with Piper and Grams said that she just wasn't feeling well and didn't want to pass anything onto Prue. After half an hour a porter walked up the hallway towards Prue's room, as they got nearer Piper knew that they were coming for Prue. She opened the door a few steps ahead of the porter,

"I think that…" she began but was interrupted by the porter,

"Prudence Halliwell?" he asked, looking a sheet he was carrying,

"Yes," replied Prue,

"Hi, I'm here to transport you to Wake Glen's. We'll take you downstairs and then get the transfer papers filled out then get you in an ambulance to take you there, ok?" he said casually,

"No!" exclaimed Prue, "I don't want to go!"

"I'm sorry, I'm just following procedure,"

"Can't… can't we take her ourselves?" asked Grams, "We were planning too anyway,"

"Sorry mam, I have to take her… Just doing my job,"

"I see," said Grams rather calmly,

"I don't," said Prue, "I won't go!"

"Come on Prue, it won't be that bad… promise,"

"Yes it will, Grams, don't let them take me,"

"I'm sorry Prue, we have to… but we'll visit every day, for hours and you'll never be alone, I promise," she replied. A tear slowly rolled down Prue's cheek,

"I won't cut anymore, I'll get better, I won't hurt myself or you or anyone, I won't I promise I won't!" she sobbed,

"I'm so sorry," said the porter, "But we really most get going," he said as he walked over to Prue's bed and put the sides up, he slowly start wheeling it out of the room,

"Grams!" yelled Prue, "Please, don't let them take me! Grams, no please! Grams?" she called as they slowly pushed her down the corridor; Grams lifted Prue's bags and carried them along the corridor after her, as Phoebe and Piper walked behind her.

I shedding, shedding every colour,

Trying to pigment of truth beneath my skin,

Cause different doesn't feels so different,

And going out is better than always staying in,

Let the rain fall down

Wake my dreams,

Let it wash away my sanity,

Because I want to feel the thunder, I want to scream,

Let the rain fall down,

I'm coming clean,

I'm coming clean,

After about half an hour, Prue had calmed down, she had sort of accepted where she was going although she still dreaded the though of going there. She had filled out all the papers she needed to, and tried her best to convince people that she hadn't tried to kill herself the only reply she got was "That's what you'll talk about in therapy, not here," After all the paper work was filled in she was taken into an ambulance and driven to Wake Glens. Grams, Piper and Phoebe followed in the car; the journey was in silence, as no one knew what to say. When they arrived at Wake Glen's fifteen minutes later everyone was feeling on edge, the paramedics helped Prue out of the ambulance and they headed inside. Prue was checked in and showed where she would be staying,

"This is our admissions room, you'll be in here for about a week or less if the room is needed and then you'll be moved to a woman's ward. At the moment you're on checks every fifteen minutes, that basically means that a member of staff will stick there head in the door to see how you're doing nothing more. Well, you've just missed breakfast but we can get you some toast if you want, lunch is served at 12.30 and dinner at 6.00, then there is tea and toast breaks throughout the day. You will be given you medication at 10.00 every night, just before bed and lights out is 11.00," said the nurse showing her into her room. Piper looked round as Prue sat on the bed and stared without expression at the bed sheets. _Its tiny, like a little box, that's inside a bigger box… how could anyone survive in here, _she thought _I don't know how Prue is going to cope with any of this, I don't know how I will cope with any of this… how can I live at home without Prue there… without seeing her waking up in the morning, without seeing her at dinner, at lunch, at a family outing, without hearing her laughing on the phone… how will I survive school without her???_

"Piper?" said Prue noticing how distressed her sister was getting, "You ok?"

"Yeah," lied Piper, she felt her breathing getting shallow but forced herself to breathe properly, she felt her heart racing and herself beginning to panic. She turned away from Prue, and pretended to notice the view, "You've got a decent view of the grounds," she said quietly,

"Yeah… its alright, I guess,"

"I'm going to get a glass of water… mouths all dry, back in a minute," said Piper quickly and then left the room.

Let the rain fall down,

I'm coming clean,

Let the rain fall down,

I'm coming clean,

Let the rain fall,

Let the rain fall,

I'm coming,

 Lets go back,

Back to the beginning…

A/N: This is just a quick note to P3Halliwell329… I'm so glad you're still with us. And I'm sorry that you feel how you do, and I understand.


	18. Picture Of Truth

Disclaimer: I do not own Charmed

To Look Again – Picture Of Truth

            Grams, Piper and Phoebe left Wake Glens at nine 'o'clock that night and were going to return at nine the next morning. Piper felt guilty for leaving Prue, she walked slowly towards the car whilst Phoebe seemed to skip rather happily, Grams walked at her normal pace without even looking back.

            _What are you thinking? _Thought Piper looking towards Phoebe, her sister who skipped happily towards the car, _are you really as happy as you seem or is it all an act? I pretended to be happy, how could I ever be sure that you're not doing the same? _Her eyes moved towards Grams, and for some reason she felt some resentment towards her grandmother, _how can you just walk away… without even looking back! Its not like you don't understand what's going on, Phoebe might not be entirely sure of the situation but you are! You know what's happening yet you walk away, you don't look back… how can you just leave her… how can you make me leave her!!!_

"Piper," Said Grams, snapping her out of her train of thought,

"What?" she said, shaking her head and snapping back into reality,

"Here's the car," said Grams in a monotone voice.

"Oh, right, yeah," sighed Piper as she walked towards the car, she pulled the door open and got in but waited before buckling her seat belt, _If I do this seat belt… it will mean I'm actually leaving you… it will mean that you won't be at home with me, you won't be at breakfast tomorrow. How can I leave you?_

"Piper, fasten your seat belt so we can go… Phoebe needs her bed, so do you," said Grams, Piper reluctantly pushed her seat belt into its fasten and felt tears well behind her eyes… she was leaving Prue in that place.

The journey home was yet another uncomfortable silence, Phoebe went straight to bed when she got in whilst Grams ushered Piper towards the kitchen. Piper sat down and watched as Grams walked endlessly round the kitchen, Piper let out a small cough in attempt to catch Grams' attention and make her sit down. Grams looked up and then continued pacing, then after a few minutes Piper decided to speak up,

"Grams… Grams," she said but got no reply as her grandmother just kept pacing, "Grams will you sit down! Please,"

"Piper…" sighed Grams, but no more words escaped her mouth before she burst into tears,

"Grams… I know this is hard for you. And I know that you are worried about Prue, that's why I didn't speak up… you needed to worry about Prue and I wanted you to… I didn't want you to care about me. And I got my wish, but the only problem was that it went too far. I became invisible but I still didn't speak up, because I didn't want to cause you any more pain… I didn't want any more pain on this family."

"But Piper, I'm your grandmother… you needed to tell me this, I need to know what you're feeling… you can't deal with this stuff alone." Replied Grams wiping falling tears from her cheeks.

"But I can… I have been for three years; I've been dealing with all of this without any help! And I still can!" argued Piper,

"Just tell me what your feeling, what your going through… please Piper," sobbed Grams,

"I can't… I don't want to upset any one anymore than I already have… I don't want to talk!" said Piper,

"Well… maybe if you don't want to talk to me…" started Grams,

"I don't want to talk to anyone!"

"Just hear me out," said Grams, trying for once to reason with her granddaughter, "Maybe we could arrange for you to speak to someone else… like a professional,"

"You want to send me to a shrink?" asked Piper shocked at what her grandmother had suggested,

"It would give you someone to talk to… and hopefully help you deal with these feelings…"

"No," replied Piper,

"Piper… please don't just dismiss this… think about it," asked Grams,

"I have thought about this Grams! I have thought about it so much!!! I have thought about seeing someone but I don't…" Piper paused for a second,

"You don't what?" asked Grams,

"I don't want to end up like Prue…" sighed Piper.

"What? You won't be like Prue, Prue never had any help with things but you can get the help that you need, you have this chance,"

"But… you don't understand I'm already like Prue… I hurt all the time and I can't find my way out of this black hole I always have to live in the darkness… but if I don't see anyone then I can pretend like I'm normal but seeing someone would make everything real… just now I can sort of pretend it's a dream… but seeing a therapist would mean that I can never wake up. I just want to wake up from this dream… I want to wake up…"

"Piper, I know that you're hurting right now… I'm hurting to and so is Phoebe but you aren't dealing with this and you need help to do that… I think that you should see someone," said Grams, trying to be as gentle as possible,

"But Grams… I… I need…" she began,

"What? What do you need?" asked Grams,

"I…" she said but then stopped, "I need to be alone," she said as she swiftly left the table and went upstairs, she threw herself onto her bed and began to think.

_I should try to see Grams' point of view… but I can't turn out like Prue. This is how things started with her… how can I force Grams' and Phoebe to go through everything all over again? I can't go down the same road as Prue, she went to see someone and then they put her on meds and I don't want that… I don't want to ruin things all over again for this family. How can I even think about worrying about my problems when Prue is locked up in that place, I shouldn't give a damn about myself I should be worrying about Prue… she's locked in there and she can't get out and I don't know how I can help her…_

As she sat up stairs in her bedroom, she felt tears slowly well up behind her eyes. She quickly wiped the tears and walked down to meet Grams at the bottom of the stairs – she had obviously also been crying as long as Piper had. She quickly wiped the tears and walked down to meet Grams at the bottom of the stairs – she had obviously also been crying as long as Piper had. Slowly Piper walked over to her Grams and stood facing her for a second before she spoke,

"Ok, I'll go… but," she started and seeing the look of relief on Grams face stopped her in her tracks,

"But what?" asked Grams smiling for the first time in weeks,

"Nothing… just nothing…" smiled Piper as she pulled Grams in for a hug. As she stood in her Grams' arms she thought inside herself, _But I'm only doing it for you… and I'm not going on medication… not ever…I won't reveal my feelings… I'll just go for you Grams… for my family…_


	19. Back To The Beginning

Disclaimer: I do not own Charmed.

A/N: I'm so sorry that I haven't updated for ages before this chap and the one before it… I deserve to be beaten with sticks and rocks…  but before we get to that here's the next chapter and I hope you like it… I'll try to update more regularly.

To Look Again – Back To The Beginning

            Piper sat outside the offices at the San Francisco Mental Health Center – Grams had made her an appointment there the day after their argument – and one week later Piper sat awaiting her meeting with Mrs Clarke, her new therapist. As she watched the minutes on the clock slowly ticked away, she saw her appointment time approaching and waited to be called into the interview room. Slowly the room door opened and the woman at reception called Piper's name, Piper looked up at the woman,

            "Dr Clarke is expecting you… you can go on in," she said pointing to the door, Piper stood up and walked slowly towards the room.

"Piper Halliwell?" asked Dr Clarke when Piper walked in, Piper took a deep breath and nodded her head, "Sit down dear," said Dr Clarke,

"Hi," said Piper softly taking a seat in the chair opposite Dr Clarke,

"I'm Dr Clarke, so I guess to start with I should explain what we're going to be doing today…" she smiled, Piper smiled back but said nothing, "Well basically this is just an analysis so its nothing to be frightened about… I'm just going to ask you some questions and you just have to answer. Nothing will be to in-depth or anything hard to answer so we'll just start with some personal details ok?" asked Dr Clarke.

"Ok," said Piper, keeping her voice low and her sentences small,

"Ok, well we already have all your basic information… name, address, age, home phone number and things like that… so basically I'm just going to start by asking you this question and although it seems like a very in depth question I just want a simple answer so just the basics for now… ok?" said Dr Clarke,

"Yeah," said Piper, brushing some stray strands of hair out of her face and tucking them neatly behind her ears,

"Why do you think that you've come to see me?" asked Dr Clarke,

"My Grams said that I should see someone," replied Piper,

"I don't want to know about what your Grams thought just now I want to know what you think, what made you agree to come here," replied Dr Clarke,

"Well," started Piper, feeling slightly down-hearted that her first answer had been incorrect when she thought you couldn't answer incorrectly; "Erm… I decided to come because I didn't want to hurt anyone anymore," replied Piper, trying not to reveal too much. Partly because Dr Clarke had told her not to divulge to much but mostly because she didn't want to.

"Ok, so you thought that you were hurting people… who did you think you were hurting?" asked Dr Clarke,

"My family," replied Piper,

"How were you hurting them?"

"I… I was keeping things to myself and that was helpful because then my Grams could worry about Prue and then I…" Piper paused for a second,

"Its sounds to me like you thought you would hurt them if you told them what was wrong so you kept it all to yourself but you won't hurt people by telling them these things… it sounds to me like your very confused as to what's been going on with everything, am I right?"

"No," replied Piper instantly and stubbornly, "I know that I'm not confused… I know what's been going on, I mean I've found her body twice… I've had to lie to my little sister to stop her from finding out and Grams… I've had to support Grams, and everything… I know what's going on, my sister is depressed and suicidal and I know this and its true and I know that and… and… and I… and I just…" Piper paused as she felt the tears well up behind her eyes – an all too familiar feeling – Dr Clarke looked down at Piper,

"Piper, tell the truth… these sessions cannot help you if you don't let them,"

"But I do…" that was when it finally hit Piper, she didn't know what was going on with Prue, she never had.

"Ok, lets go right back to when all this began… how long ago was that?" asked Dr Clarke,

"Three years," replied Piper, sniffling back the tears,

"Ok, and how did you find out about things?"

"I saw the scars on her arms… and the fresher cuts and I knew what it was," replied Piper,

"Had you ever came into contact with a case of self-harm before?"

"No,"

"Then how did you know that was what it was?" asked Dr Clarke,

"I don't know… I just did, I knew the cuts were self inflicted," said Piper defiantly,

"Ok, so then what happened?"

"I didn't tell anyone," said Piper,

"Piper I'm afraid I might need more than one of two words if I'm to help you with these feelings," said Dr Clarke,

"What? How can you say that to me! You have just met me and your asking me to give you details to one of the most significant moments in my life! You're asking me to tell a stranger my secrets! I can't do that… I could never do that… I couldn't even tell my own family and you expect me to be able to talk to someone I just met!"

"Piper, calm down," said Dr Clarke,

"No!" Yelled Piper, getting out of her seat and marching towards the door, "This session is over." She said as she stormed out the door, slamming it behind her.


	20. Take A Chance On Me

Disclaimer: As Usual

To Look Again – Take A Chance On Me

            Piper stood in the local park, her coat wrapped warmly around her small body keeping whatever warmth her body had managed to retain in. She looked round nervously and awaited his arrival. She decided to take a seat since her legs were getting tired and walked over to a near bench, she sat down and looked around once more. That was when she caught a glimpse of him, Dan; he was walking towards her smiling. She thought back to their phone call earlier,

            _"Hi… Dan, its Piper," said Piper when she heard Dan picking up the phone,_

"Hey… so how've you been, haven't heard from you in a few days," said Dan, with a cheery but concerned tone of voice,

_"I've been alright been visiting Prue every day, sorry I haven't called before this,"_

_"That's fine. I mean Prue needs all the support that she can get right now,_

_"That's true," replied Piper,_

_"But you do too… you know I'm here if you ever need to talk?" he asked,_

_"Yes… actually I was wondering," she said slowly,_

_"Yes," said Dan, curiously,_

_"Well could we meet up today? Perhaps one in the park?" she asked, and anxiously waited a reply,_

_"Yeah sure," he replied,_

_"Alright… well I've got to go but I'll see you then," said Piper,_

_"Bye, kisses," said Dan,_

_"Ditto," replied Piper and hung up the phone_

"Hey Piper," said Dan as he approached her in the park, Piper stood up off the bench to greet him,

"Hi," she smiled, Dan pulled her in for a hug but Piper insured that it was a quick one,

"So what's up?" asked Dan, sitting down on the bench Piper joined him before she spoke again,

"We need to talk," she said, Dan's face dropped when she said this,

"Piper… nothing good ever comes after those words," he said, "What is it?"

"Well it's just that…"

"What?" asked Dan,

"I just don't think we should see each other any more," Piper blurted out quickly,

"I knew it… I've been moving to quickly… I've driven you away, I came on to strong. Piper its alright… I'll back off, we can still be together," he said in a rushed manner,

"Dan… its not you, its me," said Piper, she knew that that line always sounded phoney but she really meant it,

"That's just a line… tell me what's really going on,"

That is what's going on," said Piper, "I don't know how to say this… a way that you'll understand so I'll just say it. I don't want to be with you, not because of you… I really like you but I don't deserve you. And you shouldn't want to be with me because I have to many problems, I can't put them all on you its not fair. I think that we should split up, because if we don't then I'll just drag you down with me, and I can't do that,"

"But Piper, I want to be with you. I know that you come with problems, and you come with a past but so does every one… but you also have a beautiful heart, and soul and you're nice and kind and gentle and I think I'm falling in love with you," said Dan taking Piper's hand, she quickly pulled it away,

"Don't say that! You can't, I can't force you to get through this… these are my problems and I have to deal with them… you don't have to help me," said Piper,

"But I want to help you… I care about you and I'm already at the stage where you hurt and I hurt, I can't be without you!" said Dan,

"You have to be without me! You have to… I can't be with you,"

"Piper, do you remember that night at the pier?" asked Dan,

"Yes… how could I forget that night?"

"Do you know how I found you?" asked Dan,

"No… you never said but I was just thankful that you did,"

"I called your house, and Phoebe answered… she said that you had ran out of the house and that you were upset. My first thought was that something had happened with Prue… I asked her if she knew where you had gone but she couldn't tell me. She had to go with Prue I'm assuming…" he started,

"But if Phoebe didn't know then how did you,"

"That day in the cafeteria… we were talking and I mentioned that whenever I was going through a tough time I went to my attic and there was a corner towards the back where it was dark and quiet and I could think and you said that if you were ever in trouble you went to the pier… you went there because it was quiet, and dark, and methodical and you like how predictable it was… the waves went in and they went out, there was never any change.  I wasn't sure if that's where you would have went but I had to take my chance… I had to find you,"

"And you did,"

"Yes…" he continued, "I arrived at the pier about ten minutes after phoning Phoebe and you weren't there. It was pitch black, I called for you but I couldn't find you anywhere… so I left and checked anywhere else I could think… the last place I checked was along the docks by the pier and that's when I saw something. Up on the pier was a shadowy figure, standing at the very edge almost falling in and I knew it was you. I knew that it was you and I had to get to you. When I arrived at the end of the pier I heard you yelling, at first I thought you were yelling at me but then I realised you were just yelling.  I  just stood and watched you, I meant to walk towards you but I was simply compelled by you in every way possible and I couldn't move. Then I felt things getting worse, you were talking about jumping and I had to act… and that's when I spoke to you,"

"Dan," said Piper softly, but no other words left her mouth,

"I can't be without you Piper, I need you as much as you need me… and I know that I'm falling for you and I don't care if you have problems, you wouldn't be you without then and I need that… I can't be without you Piper, please," he finished,

"Dan… its… I can't do that to you… its not fair,"

"I don't care whether or not its fair," replied Dan,

"But…" protested Piper,

"No buts… you're not getting rid of me that easily… not now not ever… I'm here to stay," he replied, as he pulled her in for a kiss.

A/N: Ok, I know that I've been upsetting a few people by using Dan in this fic rather than Piper, but there are a few reasons for that.

a) I prefer writing Dan because I can adjust his character

b) I couldn't use Leo because he's too old for Piper at this stage as we saw when Paige time travelled to the 60's and Leo was already like 30 odd looking.

c) I don't like writing his character.

But for those who do like Leo as so many people do I have decided to have a chapter where he will be present. However this will be a one of occasion, think of him as a special guest star and please don't expect him to be a recurring character in this story. There will also be use of magic in the chapter but again this is the only time. So you can look foreward to Leo's guest appearance but beware Piper and Leo will not come into contact at all.

Sorry if that disappoints you,

As usual please review I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE feedback on my writing good or bad because both help me improve.


	21. Good To Me?

Disclaimer: I do not own Charmed

To Look Again – Good To Me?

            Prue sat on her hospital bed, awaiting Piper's daily visit. Within minutes of the clock striking four Piper walked through her door and headed towards her sister, she smiled and sat down on the chair next to Prue's bed.

"Hey," smiled Prue, Piper returned the sentiment and a minute of silence occurred, "So, what you been up to?" asked Prue in attempt to break the silence,

"Not much, getting loads of homework from my teachers… pretty much being doing that," replied Piper, in a monotone voice,

"Alright, so how are things going at school? I guess your mock exams are coming up soon?" said Prue,

"My first one is in about three weeks," replied Piper, this shocked Prue. She thought for a second, _how could I know so little about what's going on with Piper… how can I be so selfish?_

"Oh, so how do you think you'll do?" asked Prue,

"I'm trying my best not to think about it and to find time to study… which is hard when…" she started,

"When you have to visit me everyday." Said Prue finishing her sentence,

"No, when I'm trying not to think about it," said Piper, looking down at the pale coloured floor,

"Oh, well you know you don't have to visit every day… I think I'll survive," joked Prue but was taken aback when she saw the look on Piper's face. Piper smiled and laughed half heartedly,

"So are you settling in alright?" asked Piper awkwardly,

"Well I'm not going to be here for long so I'm not really going to get very settled before I have to leave, but yeah its alright," said Prue, hoping that her answer was not upsetting to Piper,

"Oh… have you been told how long you'll be here for?" asked Piper, but Prue shook her head,

"All they've said is that it'll be for a while," she looked down at the bed sheets, "Right now I'd do anything to get home to my bed… even though its  been a couple of weeks this still doesn't feel like my bed, it feels like a hospital bed,"

"Oh, well it should get better," replied Piper, "Hey, wanna play cards?" she asked hoping that playing would distract them from talking, they played cards a lot when Piper visited Prue, mostly rummy since there was only two of them and you needed three for most cards games. They played for about another hour and then Piper looked up at the clock, it had just went 5.30 and she had told Grams that she would be back for 6.00. Piper put her cards down on the bed and looked at Prue,

"I gotta go," she said quietly,

"I know… Grams always serves dinner at six… I think that's roughly when we get meals here as well, my time is all screwed up,"

"So, I'll see you tomorrow, same time?" said Piper, as she got up off Prue's bed,

"You know you don't have to visit me every day, I mean I like that you do but you don't have to, you should be out with friends living your life not adjusting it around me," said Prue,

"Its alright, I mean I like visiting," said Piper this was only half true, she did like visiting but she also visited everyday because it meant that she could check that Prue was still alive, she knew that she wasn't alright but she knew that she was alive. She felt that if she didn't visit every day that would change, so she structured her day around seeing Prue.

"Well, you know that you can take a day off if you want," said Prue, she liked having Piper visit her but she didn't like the awkwardness between them, it was different since Piper and Prue had always been so close. She also didn't want to tire her sister out or cause her any pain that she could avoid.

"Its cool, I'll see you tomorrow," replied Piper,

"Why are you so good to me?" asked Prue as she walked Piper to the door of her ward,

"Because…" started Piper, "Because you're my sister.." and with that Piper left the hospital and headed to get a taxi, and get home. Without Prue once more.

A/N: Ok, so I know that these chapters have been getting really really short and not nearly as long as they used to be. I  hope that they're still good but because of studying and stuff I'm finding it difficult to find time to write anything new…and I'm updating as soon as they are written so I hope that you can deal with short hopefully more recent updates than longer chapters every two weeks. As always please review.


	22. Always Thinking

Disclaimer: I Do not own Charmed

To Look Again – Always Thinking

            Prue lay awake in her hospital bed, the blankets wrapped warmly around her scarred and bruised body. She lay staring out the closed window at the vast night sky, and tried not to make a sound as slowly a single tear fell from her face to the sheets. She looked out around the grounds of Wake Glen's and finally realised what she had been reduced to, she was locked away from her family and friends, held hostage against her will and trying to find a way out of the hospital and a way out of her life every second of the day that passed. She reached into her bedside cabinet and lifted out a small notebook that she had been keeping as a journal, slowly she flicked through the pages and read about her life so far, as she had written it.

            "Its so hard, pretending that I don't hurt. Pretending that everything is fine when I know that its not, I know that I shouldn't be feeling like this." She read quietly to herself, she flicked another few pages and came to a date that haunted her, February 19th… her first serious attempt.

            "I hate myself today, I hate everything about my body, my soul, my heart, my feelings, I hate it all. I can't stand being here anymore. I can't stand being her! How can I live with myself when I know that I'm pretending! How can I just act like everything is fine! Maybe I should be an actress… but I can't… I'm too stupid and wrong, and dirty… I'm just so dirty. How can anyone ever love me like this, I've seen the way Grams looks at me, ever since she found out a few years ago she's looked at me like I'm some kind of scab. Like I'm just there until I get picked off, why doesn't she love me anymore? No, I know why, how could any one love someone like me, I'm dirty and scarred and broken and I don't deserve to be here! I never have!!!!" Prue stopped for a second and looked towards the ceiling in attempt to stop tears from falling, then continued to read, "As I write this I'm swallowing pills, I don't know what they are.. but I'm taking them one after the other and I don't care, I don't care that I could die I'm embracing it! I'm enjoying swallowing these pills knowing that it could bring an end… I need to write a note… I need to write a note that explains how I feel, I should start writing that. And I can tell everyone how much I love then, and that I'm sorry and that I've made mistakes in the past but this isn't a mistake… I have too…" That was the last journal entry for months, after that attempt Prue didn't share anything with anyone, not even her journal. She flicked past pages of nothing and continued until she reached her most recent entry,

            "Piper came to visit today, and once more the conversation was awkward. I don't know how long I can carry on like this, I mean being here is meant to make me feel better its meant to help… but it doesn't. It makes things worse to see how much I'm hurting them, to have them organise their lives around me like I'm some sort of task, an organised event that they have to go to. They don't want to be here, none of them… Piper said so herself, she doesn't visit because she loves me… she visits "Because you're my sister" not because she cares, but because she feels like she has to!" Prue took a few deep breaths in and out and tried to calm herself down, she wiped away any loose tears that had fallen and grabbed the pen that was sitting on her bedside table, as she wrote she spoke aloud quietly,

            "I can't keep on doing this to Piper and the rest of my family! I mean how can I have been so fucking selfish! I don't want to hurt them but I cannot stop this urge to die! Why do I constantly feel like this? Why can't I put on a fucking mask in front of my family? Just to stop them hurting why can't I just pretend for a few hours everyday that I'm desperate to drive a blade into my arm and watch as slowly the blood drips out? I need to stop this… or just make them think that I have. The next time Piper comes to visit I have to be happier… I have to try and make jokes and talk like a normal person, for her! I can't keep going on like this in front of Piper… its hurting her too much. I can see it! I know it, I can see it in her eyes and the way she talks to me and I know that I'm hurting her but I can't stop. I just want to cut and I want to die! And I just want to sit awake at night and day and evening and noon and all the time and I want to cry my eyes out and I want them to tell me that everything is going to be alright but I just can't believe it! I just can't! But I will, I will pretend for Piper and Grams and Phoebe… I can't wear a mask and hide my feelings…" And with that Prue placed her notebook back into the small drawer with the pen and shut off her nightlight. Closing her eyes she once again entered a nightmare world of sleep and pain.

            Prue awoke the next morning, her face was no longer red and sore from crying but she didn't feel any happier about what had happened last night. It was the first time that she had cried since being admitted because she no longer felt like she was allowed to because it was no longer private, everyone knew what had happened to her. She got up and walked through to the small bathroom in her room with her bag in her hand, she pulled out some clothes and sat them on the ground. Peeling her sweaty pyjama top off she lifted her other top off the pile. As she pulled it on she heard a small clatter on the ground below her, she looked down and saw a small razor blade lying at her feet. She bent over and picked it up, she sat down on the toilet and pulled her sleeve up, she knew this scenario well. She would debate about cutting for about half an hour and then simply to end the debate she would cut. _I can't…I can't I have to be strong for Piper and Grams… but I feel like totally shit! How can I see them feeling like this… cutting will bring me a form of release. I need it… I can't be without it… but I have to be strong… but I'm so weak, I can't survive without it, but it'll end up killing me… I can't do this anymore, its too hard. I have to end this debate… how can I continue with this? How can I go on like this? I can't I have to fight, but I'm so weak, I'm not strong, I'm weak, I hide whenever things go wrong… but I need to be strong… I can fight this… but it's just so hard… _the endless debate continued in Prue's head. Tears slowly streamed down her face, as she brought the blade down across her wrist and watched as the blood fell.

            "I'm sorry Piper, Grams… everyone," she sobbed as she watched the blood drip to the ground, "I failed,"

A/N: Again this chapter is rather short… I could have written more but writing for Prue's point of view is harder because I don't know what's going on in her head and its rather emotional for me to try and imagine what someone would feel. Especially when I'm trying to see if my sister would feel this.


	23. Criticise Me As I Cry

Disclaimer: I do not own Charmed, unfortunately.

To Look Again – Criticise Me As I Cry (Take Me Away)

I cannot find a way to describe it,

It's there inside,

All I do is hide,

I wish that it would just go away,

What would you do?

You do if you knew,

What would you do?

            Prue awaited Piper and Grams' visit, Phoebe was back in school but Piper was being allowed to stay off. She had pulled on a long sleeved shirt for the first time in a few weeks that day, after her first cut for a few weeks. She sat crossed legged on her bed, writing in her small journal,

            _"Piper and Grams will be here soon, I'm going to try and be more upbeat about things when they're here. I hate that I've failed them by cutting again, this place is meant to help me stop but I'm in here and I'm meant to be under constant supervision so I don't get the chance and I did. I hate that!" _Prue looked up from her notebook and saw Grams and Piper entering her room, she quickly closed the diary and slid it under her pillows then she quickly glanced at her arms to ensure that her sleeves were pulled down as far as they could be. She looked up and smiled at them,

"Hey, I was wondering when you guys would show up," she said happily, "Take a seat," Grams and Piper sat down,

"Its nice to see you happier," smiled Grams, "We brought you some magazines, so you don't get bored today, and some chocolate,"

"Again? You always bring me chocolate… if I didn't know any better I'd think you wanted me to gain weight," joked Prue, "Its great to see you guys, this place was dead last night I had no one to talk to! I can't stand being without a phone line so that I can chat to everyone for hours!" said Prue, hoping that she could continue like this,

"Well when you get out of here you can call everyone you want," smiled Grams, she looked over at Piper who was sitting quietly behind her, staring at the floor.

"So, Piper… what have I missed at school? Any huge dramas?" asked Prue, smiling at Piper painfully trying to force a smile Piper stood up,

"I need to use the bathroom," she said as she headed for the door,

"Use that one," replied Prue pointing to her private bathroom, Piper stopped in her tracks took a deep breath, she turned round nodded and headed into the small room, locking the door behind her.

"Grams, what's wrong with Piper?" asked Prue,

"She's tried I think, she was up late studying last night… I didn't hear her in bed until three," replied Grams,

"Oh… ok,"

Inside the small bathroom Piper sat down on the edge of the toilet and looked down at the floor, she moved her glance to the ceiling and then darted it back down, she got down on the floor on her hands and knees and looked closely at the ground. Small red dots had been smeared into the lino, blood. Piper knew it instantly; she knew all the signals of cutting. The red dots that were smeared because they had been wiped up hastily, the missing towel that had been "misplaced", the cheery new Prue, the long sleeves. Piper knew them all.  Piper took a deep breath and opened the door to Prue's bedroom where she and Grams were still sitting, laughing quietly on the bed. Piper walked back in and sat down next to Grams, then she opened her mouth to talk but shut it again,

"Grams could you get me some juice from the cafeteria… I need to talk with Prue," she said after a few minutes,

"Sure, what do you want?" asked Grams, getting up hesitantly and lifting her purse,

"Anything," replied Piper. A few seconds later after Grams had left the room Prue spoke,

"So what's up?" she asked quietly,

All the pain I thought I knew,

All the thoughts lead back to you,

Back to what was never said,

Back and forth inside my head,

I can't handle this confusion,

I'm unable,

Come and take me away,

Piper sat in silence for a few seconds, trying to think of how to answer Prue's question without freaking out and just blurting out everything that was in her head. It would be hard to not to just tell Prue everything that she had been going through, she had wanted to many times before but never really had the chance,

"I know Prue," she said quietly,

"You know what?" asked Prue, but inside she instantly knew that answer, she knew that Piper would figure out her act was fake,

"I know you're still cutting. I know you did it recently," she said quickly, Prue looked hurt, as did Piper,

"But I'm not," replied Prue,

"Don't lie to me!" demanded Piper,

"I'm not lying to you! I'm not cutting anymore,"

"Bullshit Prue!" said Piper, loudly, "I know you are!"

"You don't know anything! I'm not doing it any more." Replied Prue, she hated lying to Piper but felt that she had to lie to protect her even though Piper had figured it out,

"Prue! I've been living with this thing for three years! I think I know the fucking signs. The long sleeves, your smile, that fact that you're laughing and giggling with Grams and me. I know what's going on, I always fucking know!" It was a rare occasion that Piper swore; it took Prue by surprise,

"Piper, that proves nothing! I'm cold today, that's why I have long sleeves on, and I'm actually feeling better that's why I'm happier," sighed Prue,

"Prue, I'm not Phoebe! I can tell when you're faking happiness, I can tell when you're lying to me! And this is one of those times,"

"No its not!"

"Then pull up your sleeves," said Piper. Prue looked down at her arms,

"Piper, I'm not cutting… can't you just believe me?" asked Prue quietly pulling her arms into her body to shield herself,

"No,"

I feel like I am alone,

All by myself,

I need to get around this,

My words are cold,

I don't want them to hurt you,

If I show you,

I don't think you'd understand,

Cause no one understands,

"You don't trust me," sighed Prue, "How can you not trust me,"

"Because Prue…" sighed Piper,

"Because is not an answer! Its not, I need a reason why my sister doesn't trust me! I need a reason that you think I'm constantly lying to you. Can you not just be happy that I'm getting better and that things will start to improve for me. Why can't you just let me be happy? Why must you constantly think that I'm lying or…" at this point Piper started to blur Prue's words, almost ignoring them completely, she could feel herself growing emotional and could feel all her words gathering in her stomach ready to explode, she took a few deep breaths in to try and calm herself but Prue's voice and her words echoed through Piper's mind.

"Why can't you just believe me? Why Piper?" finished Prue, and Piper couldn't hold it in anymore, she couldn't stop the words from flowing,

"Because you hurt me!" she yelled, "You think that you're the only one who is having trouble with this? You're not; I can't deal with any of this. I'm having nightmares and flashbacks and I don't understand anything and no one will explain any of this to me and I can't fucking take it anymore. I need answers Prue, and I need them now. Because if I don't get them I'll be admitted here myself. And I'm just so scared just now Prue, and do you know what I'm scared of? You want to know what wakes me up at night in a cold sweat, my face sore and red like I've been crying in my sleep… I'm scared of turning into you Prue!"

All the pain I thought I knew,

All the thoughts lead back to you,

Back to what was never said,

Back and forth inside my head,

I can't handle this confusion,

I'm unable,

Come and take me away,

Piper broke down into tears after her outburst and ran into the bathroom. The door didn't lock so she sat against the door and pushed her back again the cold, wooden door until she felt it hurt.  After a few minutes Piper heard a knock on the bathroom door,

"Piper? Piper let me in, please?" asked Prue from the other side of the door,

"No." said Piper instantly, "Just leave me be,"

"I can't do that," sighed Prue leaning her back against the other side of the door, "Piper you said that you need answers. But I can't give them to you, I don't them myself, half the time I don't even know the questions. I feel like that all the time and I can't answer the questions if I don't know them, it seems like everyone is speaking in some kind of different language that I can't understand and I don't know how learn. I don't even know where to start,"

"Prue…" said Piper from the other side of the door,

"Yeah"

"Why do you do it?" asked Piper,

"You mean cut? I don't know really, I guess it's a release." Replied Prue,

"How did it start?" asked Piper,

"I was feeling really confused and down, I wasn't sure what was going on and I didn't know how to deal with things. Everything big or small seemed to upset me, Grams would yell at me and I could feel tears building up behind my eyes, I didn't even know why I was crying half the time. I just seemed to find myself questioning every little thing, and when I didn't like my answers I would beat myself up about it. That usually made me feel better, in some sort of morbid way. I felt better that I was beating myself up about it inside, but soon enough I felt nothing from telling myself that I was worthless and ignorant and all sorts of other things. It didn't cause me enough pain. I felt like I had to have more, so I started wrist banging. Nothing serious just whenever I felt down I would bang my wrist of my bedpost, just enough for me to feel physical pain. But soon that pain, the numbness that I felt inside and the numbness in my wrist from banging became nothing to me. I needed more again, and that's when I started to cut. At first it was just little things, just a small cut that could be passed off as a graze or a kitchen accident. Before long I was hooked, I couldn't explain to myself why I was doing this, which just made me do it even more. I couldn't understand any of it so I cut more and more until my arms were covers in thin red lines that told a story. They told how much pain I was in and were always there as a constant reminder. I regret starting that but I just can't seem to get out of the cycle. I wish that I could stop, and that I didn't put others through this but I do, and I can't help it. I want to but its too hard," finished Prue, wiping away tears that had formed and rolled down her pale cheeks, on the other side of the door Piper did the same. She placed her hand on the door and whispered "Thank you," just then she heard the door open and Grams walk in.

I'm going no where,

On and on and,

I'm getting no where,

On and on and on,

I'm going no where,

On and off and on and off,

All the pain I thought I knew,

All the thoughts lead back to you,

Back to what was never said,

Back and forth inside my head,

I can't handle this confusion,

I'm unable,

Come and take me away,


	24. Similar Situations

Disclaimer: I Do not own Charmed

A/N: I would just like to thank everyone who reviews my fic I love feedback. Also I would like to mention although I have stated that this fic is based on personal experience I simply mean that I am using my situations to write and guide the fic. I am making it as fictional as possible and using the charmed ones emotions. After all it would be too hard to write if I used my emotions. And I'm glad that this fic is helping people to see another side to the self-injury issue. Please keep reading and reviewing.

P.S. Obviously some of the fic is extremely fictional like what Prue is feeling because I'm just having to guess which I do a lot in this chapter so I hope it still works.

To Look Again – Similar Situations

            Piper sat in a small rather uncomfortable chair, with a large ceiling light blaring down at her. She looked around the small room, there were various diplomas and certificates, in the room, along with a desk that seemed to big for the room itself, it seemed very wrong in the room. On the desk was a picture of Piper new therapist and her family, Grams had wanted her to continue with Dr Clarke but Piper didn't want to see someone who forced her into giving what she decided were text book answers. Suddenly a door behind her opened and in walked a tall, too thin woman with a clipboard and clothes that hung to freely from her thin figure. She came and sat down behind the desk, which looked even bigger with this tiny woman sitting behind it. Piper sat in silence, and waited for the woman to talk,

            "Piper Halliwell?" she asked quietly, rummaging through various piles of notes and letters and what looked like random pieces of paper.

"Yes," replied Piper, in a soft tone looking away from the woman,

"How are you today?" asked the woman, Piper nodded and then the woman continued, "Well, my name is Anna Ford," she began but Piper spoke up,

"Erm… I just thought I'd tell you that I don't really want to be here, well I do but I don't if you get what I mean, and I don't want to be friends here, because it'll complicate things and I'll look at your little ink blots or whatever but that's all," she said quickly, the woman looked at her shocked,

"Well that's alright, we don't need to be friends if you don't want to. And don't worry there will be no little ink blots, or trick questions. Just some chatting that will be completely private between us, and hopefully we'll be able to sort some things out."

"Good," replied Piper,

"So, where do you want to start?" asked Anna,

"I'm not sure," replied Piper,

"Ok, well why not start from the beginning,"

"No," replied Piper,

"Why not?" asked Anna, making a quick note on a piece of paper,

"Because I've done that before," she replied,

"Done what?"

"Started from the beginning, it didn't help,"

"OK," Anna paused for a second and looked over some paper and then continued, "So where do you want to start?"

"I don't know,"

"Prue," smiled a young woman sitting behind a desk, riffling through many different sheets of paper, she put hem down on her desk and signalled to Prue to sit down, "So, how've you been?" she asked,

"Fine," lied Prue,

"Prue… I thought we were past you lying to me," said the woman, Prue threw her a glare that said 'I don't really feel like talking so bad off' "Now, what have you been up to since our last session,"

"Not much really, just the usual stuff,"

"Really?" enquired Prue's therapist,

"Really," replied Prue, nervously fiddling with a strand of her hair which had come loose from her hastily tied pony tail.

"Well, according to your on-site nurses report you had an incident a few days ago where they felt that you were very upset and not responsive to treatment," said the woman, slowly looking through Prue's file,

"It was nothing," replied Prue,

"Well it couldn't have been nothing… what was it all about?" asked the woman,

"I don't want to talk about it," replied Prue,

"You need to talk… that's why you're here, so you can talk and so we can help you to get better," replied the woman,

"I don't want to," said Prue stubbornly,

"Why not?' asked the woman,

"I don't know, I just don't feel like talking,"

"Well how about you just give me some inclination as to what upset you,"

"Nothing!" said Prue, raising her voice slightly,

"There must have been something… why don't we start from the beginning?"

 After half an hour Piper and Anna hadn't made much progress, Piper wasn't very willing to talk about her feelings or what had been going on with Prue, although most people would have given up long ago Anna persisted.

"Piper, I know that you're not telling me things. I know that you're scared to talk about things that hurt you but you must know that you can trust me. Nothing bad will come from any of this," she said, attempting to persuade Piper to talk with her.

"But bad things will happen," replied Piper quietly,

"You can't know that. Bad things won't happen, only good things, that's all," replied Anna,

"But every time I talk about how I'm feel or not or how I'm dealing or not or anything things just seem to get worse, a lot worse. But if I keep it to myself then things will get better because people will not know what I'm feeling and they won't feel guilty because of it and that way things can't get worse," said Piper in a quick ramble, it seemed as though she was reasoning with herself rather than with Anna,

"Piper, if you don't talk to someone things will get worse in the long run. You're a smart girl, you know this. I know you know this," said Anna,

"But what if…" she started but Anna cut her off,

"No what ifs," she said, and then Piper started,

"I just don't want to hurt anyone. I mean they're hurting enough and I don't want to add to it. And I'm scared…" said Piper, Anna was slightly disappointed that this was all that Piper had said but she also felt reassured that she had finally gotten through to her,

"Scared? Scared of what?" asked Anna, noting a few things down in her notebook,

"Scared that I'm turning into Prue,"

"Prue, we've been over all this," said her therapist, looking slightly annoyed,

"I know,"

"Then why do you keep going back to these things in your life that make you so upset and unhappy? Why do you keep dragging us back here?" she asked,

"I don't know, I just don't want to hurt them I guess," replied Prue,

"Hurt who?" asked the woman,

"My family, I've put them through enough, so if I just don't tell anyone then things will improve and I will improve," replied Prue,

"That's the wrong way to look at it Prue, you know that you can't force things to be alright. But they will be, you just have to talk about things,"

"I'm worried," replied Prue,

"About what?" asked the woman,

"Worried what effect this is having on Piper and Phoebe, I know that Piper's not coping. She tries to hide it but its no good. What if…" she paused for a second,

"If?" asked the woman,

"What if I'm turning her into me? What if she's going to keep going down this path and end up just like me?"

A/N: Please review, this chapter is way shorter than I intened. Also, please check out my new fic it's a parody that co written by LarkaDragon. Its different from what I usually write obviously but I hope you guys like it. Please R&R. Witch x


	25. Mood Swings

To Look Again – Mood Swings

A/N: I thought that fans of Inner Demons would like to know that I'm currently planning the first chapter of the sequel. I was always planning to write one but I'm finally starting it. The first chapter should be up within the week. Don't worry though; I'm still going to write this fic.

Piper stood in the Halliwell kitchen, slowly stirring her pot of vegetable soup. She was planning on making a big dinner that night since no one had really been eating properly since Prue was admitted but since they always visited Prue at six-ish dinner had become a five 'o'clock affair. As she slowly chopped some more carrots to drop into her pot she began thinking about her meeting with Dan earlier…

The wind blew around Piper shoulders causing her hair to become wild and beyond taming. She grab it roughly with her cold hands in attempt to stop it whirling round her face, then she saw Dan approach, she got up of the cold, wooden bench that she sat on and waited for him. When he arrived they kissed, Piper loved kissing him. It made things between them feel real. Every time she even thought of him she smiled, it was the only time the Piper truly smiled these days.

"Piper, you're so strong," sighed Dan, brushing his hair from his face, he was always reassuring Piper like that,

"Please don't," said Piper, looking down at her feet,

"Don't what?" questioned Dan, he attempted to life her head up to look at her but she just pulled away,

"Don't tell me I'm strong," replied Piper, she hated being told how strong she was,

"But you are strong, you've been fighting this all the way, and you haven't once given in. You're such a strong person to be able to fight all this and not give in." he said,

"I'm not strong!" snapped Piper,

"You are, you just can't see it," replied Dan, shocked at Piper's snapping,

"Don't tell me what I am. I might appear strong like I can deal with everything but I can't! Don't you get it, I'm not strong and I can't deal with any of this. Every single day I'm getting closer and closer to failing everyone and I can't take it!" she said, pulled away from him,

"Piper?" he said as she began walking away from him,

"Just leave me," she said as she began to run home.

Piper dropped the knife she was using to cut, quickly slide the carrots from her chopping board into the boiling water she sat down at the kitchen table. She held her head in her hands and began to quietly sob. _What's happening to me? I'm happy one minute, sad the next, wanting to kill myself after that… why can't I just pick a mood and stick with it. Ok, so it's not that simple but why are my moods changing so much? I can't take it! Why are things so hard? _Piper lifted her head and looked around the kitchen then suddenly had a thought. _Oh my god… I'm turning into her… I am. I'm becoming like Prue… no. Wait I can't this isn't what she went through… or is it? Is this exactly what she felt, am I living her life? Will I soon be just like her?_

At that moment she heard the front door slam, quickly she ran back to her pot of soup and wiped away any remaining tears from her eyes and cheeks. She began methodically stirring and waiting for Grams and Phoebe to enter the kitchen, which they did a moment later.

"Piper? What's wrong?" asked Grams as soon as she clapped eyes on Piper,

"Nothing." Replied Piper, smiling at Grams,

"Are you sure?" she asked,

"Yeah, I was chopping onions, still need to learn the secret to that." Joked Piper, "I made vegetable soup for dinner, I hope that's alright."

"That's fine. You mind if we put some in a container and take it to Prue, I know she's missing you're cooking,"

"Not at all," replied Piper. After they had eaten dinner and packed up some soup for Prue they headed out. Piper sat in the passenger seat of the car, gazing out the window, watching as slowly the lampposts went past, leaving a small blur of lights in her vision. All the time thinking, _How could I have let this happen? How can I have become like Prue, I was so determined, I have tried so hard to be strong.  But I'm not, I feel like I'm just like her. All the times I've been tempted to cut but I haven't, all the times I've wanted to scream but I've kept it inside… its all been growing and growing. Until finally this is where I've ended up… just like her…_


	26. Walking In Your Shoes

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Charmed

A/N: This chapter would have been posted way sooner except apparently "document manager" on fanfic is closed for repairs so I can't update.

To Look Again – Walking In Your Shoes

            Piper awoke one morning; about a week after the thought that she might be depressed herself had entered her mind. She had spend the past week trying to force herself to be happier but it had worked against her as she had actually convinced herself that she was suffering from depression just like Prue. She got dressed quickly that morning, pulling on jeans and a black shirt with full-length sleeves. Slowly she walked over to the mirror, she looked herself up and down, the clothes reminded her of what Prue used to wear, everything with long sleeves and always-dark jeans. Slowly she walked out of her bedroom and down into the kitchen where she saw Grams and Phoebe sitting around the kitchen, she walked in and smiled a false smile hello,

            "Piper it's a lovely sunny day, and here you are wearing black again, why not run upstairs and pull on some shorts and nice summary top, with short sleeves, you can get some sun about you today," said Grams,

"I like black, its slimming," replied Piper, the same thing that Prue had said whenever Grams told her to change,

"Ok, you don't need to be any slimmer your just fine the way you are. But if you insist on wearing black then at least put on a T-Shirt," replied Grams,

"My arms feel cold today," said Piper pulling her arms behind her back,

"Piper, what are you hiding?" demanded Grams, marching over to Piper and pulling Pipers arms towards her,

"Nothing, Grams leave it!" yelled Piper, but Grams grabbed Piper's arms and pulled the sleeves up. To reveal an arm full of cuts and gashes.

Prue lay awake in her bed, though it was already past ten and the nurses had already shouted her to wake up she there in bed anyway. She turned onto her back and looked up at the ceiling, slowly she began counting the ceiling tiles – again. This was something that she did regularly when she refused to get up. There were two hundred and seventeen on the ceiling of her ward. Half an hour past and Prue dragged herself out of bed, slowly she walked into the bathroom and striped down to nothing and got into the shower. The warm water felt refreshing, she just wished that it could wash away all her pain, but she knew that nothing was that powerful and what was worse she was passing it all onto her family, especially Piper. After her shower she stood in the middle of the small bathroom dripping wet and watching the water droplets fall to the floor tiles, she lifted her bath towel and slowly began to rub her arms dry, slowly watching the cuts on her arm become red from her rubbing at them. Slowly she felt a tear drip down her face, as she realised what she had become. _I'll never be like anyone else, I'll always have these scars as a reminder of all of this. Every time I need to wear a short-sleeved top I'll remember all this, all these horrible years… I can never escape it; I will always have my battle scars…_

Piper jolted upright in her bed, panting and sweating, she lifted her hands up in a panic and pulled her pyjama top's sleeves down to her elbows, she let out a sigh of relief to see her arms were scar less. She wiped the sweat from her forehead, and rolled over facing the window. Slowly she calmed her breathing down to a regular rhythm, she slowly began to fall back asleep with her thoughts. _I knew it, I'm depressed. Just like Prue, I'm feeling what she was feeling, there's no way I can get out of this pattern now… I might as well just ride it out, there's no saving me now. I'll en dup just like Prue, I knew it… _and with that she feel into a troublesome sleep.

"So, how have you been recently?' asked Anna, it was later that day, Grams had woken Piper not long after she had drifted back to sleep and reminded her of her appointment,

"Ok," lied Piper, looking sheepishly around the room,

"Piper? Are you lying to me," asked Anna, although she already knew the answer,

"Yes, but only because I need to," replied Piper,

"Why do you need to?" asked Anna,

"Because you'll just put me on pills that don't work, because I'm just like Prue! I'm just like her, I'm depressed and I don't want the pills! I don't want them!" said Piper, in a rushed manor,

"Piper, calm down. Now, I don't want to sound patronising but you're not depressed. This is a common thing with people like you who are witnessing a close family member dealing with a mental illness start to show some empathy with them. They think that they are becoming like them, that they are sharing the same incidents and circumstances as with the other person. But that's all it is, it just empathy. You're not depressed, your just trying to find a way of dealing with this, and your way of dealing with this is to diagnose yourself with something so that you have something to fight, which is also normal. But your diagnosis will be complete soon, and you will have something to fight – but it won't be depression," replied Anna, Piper let out a sigh of relief and slouched back into her chair, it felt comforting since she had been sitting ridged since the beginning of the appointment,

"So I'm not turning into Prue," she asked,

"No," Piper, smiled. It wasn't true, she wasn't turning into Prue, somehow knowing that she wasn't gave her some kind of clarity, it meant that she wouldn't have to fight that same battle as Prue had been. It meant that she could focus all her energy on trying to help Prue through this, whilst taking care of Phoebe and Grams and herself. For the first time she felt that things were getting better.


	27. Grams Desperation

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Charmed

To Look Again: Grams Desperation

Grams stood in the attic, pacing back and forewords, Piper had been home for about an hour and had gone to her room instantly to "think" about what was said in her appointment. Grams liked that she was taking things seriously but couldn't stand that she never shared anything with her. It wasn't that she was being nosey; she just wanted to know that Piper was all right and she couldn't figure out how to talk to Piper about it without seeming to overstep her boundaries. She continued pacing as something behind her shimmered and flickered light blue, she spun round and came face to face with her whitelighter,

"You called?" he asked, looking towards her,

"Its about damn time, Leo!" she snapped, "I have been calling you forever! Why didn't you come sooner this was an emergency,"

"I'm sorry," stuttered Leo, he looked towards the ground and then back at her, "I have other charges you know and they need me too,"

"I know but this is important," she paused for a second,

"I need you to heal someone, I have tried all the spells I can think of but nothing has worked so I need you to do it… actually I need you to heal two people," she said, she walked over to the couch in the attic and sat down, Leo followed her,

"You've saved an innocent? You've got two that need healing… I thought you hadn't faced a demon in a while,"

"There innocent, most innocent young ones I've got," replied Grams,

"Who are they… you have to take me to them," replied Leo,

"Its…" she paused for a second then continued, "Its Prue and Piper," she said,

"What? A demon got them? A demon got your granddaughters?" he said, jumping off his chair,

"Sort of," replied Grams,

"What do you mean sort of?" asked Leo, calmly taking his seat and pretending like he hadn't just leaped a mile into the air,

"Well inner demons," replied Grams,

"Penny what aren't you telling me?" asked Leo,

"Well you see Prue is suffering from depression and she's in a hospital for trying to kill herself but she doesn't need to be if you heal her and then you need to heal Piper because she can't deal with these things and I want her to deal with them but I think that its too hard for her but its not if you heal her and then she won't get as bad as Prue and won't try to do the same things as Prue has and my family will finally be put back together again," said Grams in one big breath,

"Penny," replied Leo sternly,

"What?" said Grams, holding back tears;

"I know this isn't what you wanted to hear… but I can't," he said,

"Why?" demanded Grams,

"Because I can't heal self inflicted wounds, and even if I could heal those wounds I couldn't heal what they are feeling… everything would just come back, and you can't use magic to fix moral problems, you know this,"

"I have to try,"

"It won't work, but you can try all you want… I would recommend that you spend your time trying to help Piper and Prue through this naturally, by supporting them and listening to their problems and that sort of stuff, you can't look for an instant cure," he said,

"I need one, its been so long since we were all really together as a family, not physically but mentally, its been so long and hard, I can't hold this family together any more, you need to do this please Leo," she begged,

"I can't Penny, I just can't," he replied and with that orbed out of the attic, leaving Grams close to tears.

A/N: I know this chapter makes Leo seem really harsh but since this was the only time he is going to be in this fic, I don't really need to make his character shine through because he only knows Grams as a charge – I know he wasn't technically her whitelighter but hey! It went with my fic so enjoy and R&R. Witch


	28. Lost In The Shadows

Disclaimer: I Do not own charmed

To Look Again: Lost In Shadows

A few weeks past, Piper continued seeing Anna on a weekly basis and found things were starting to improve, but when she arrived home from school one day and found Grams sobbing in the kitchen she thought the worse had happened.

"Grams?" asked Piper as she walked into the kitchen rapidly hearing sobs, "What's wrong?" she asked,

"Piper," replied Grams, trying to talk through her tears,

"What's happened? Is it Prue?" asked Piper, knowing the answer,

"Yes," replied Grams,

"What has she done now?" asked Piper sounding slightly cross at her sister,

"She's… she's," spluttered Grams,

"What?" demanded Piper, growing impatient,

"She's getting home, three days from now. She's finally coming home to us, Piper, she coming home," Grams tears weren't filled with sorrow but with joy, Piper sat down beside Grams. She no longer spoke; she sat staring into thin air, her eyes glazed over as if she would cry,

"Isn't it amazing," sobbed Grams, "We'll be a family again," she pulled Piper close for a hug but pulled back when she realised Piper hadn't spoke since hearing the news, "What's wrong? Aren't you happy?" asked Grams,

"No, I'm just… adjusting," replied Piper choosing her word carefully, "I just need to adjust… but this is… em… great," she said, smiling and again thinking about what word would be less offensive, "I've got to go and well, adjust to this. See you later," Piper said before exiting very quickly.

Upstairs in her bedroom Piper slowly began writing in her journal, writing helped her collect her thoughts but it more seemed to make her more frantic this time.

_Dear Journal,_

_ I just found out that Prue is coming home in three days… it should be the best news I've had in ages but for some reason I can't stand the thought of her being her again. I know it sounds really harsh and I do love Prue but I just feel like she's getting out of there too soon. She's not ready to come out, not ready… or am I just not ready? I can't decide really… is it me who wants her to stay in there because it means I don't really have to worry about her attempts or something like that…but I just sort of think that maybe her coming home won't help things at all… I think it might make things worse…_

Three days later Prue arrived in the front door, she dropped her bags and took a deep breath in.

"Its good to smell something that's not hospital smell," she sighed; lifting her bags she went up to her bedroom and found it in immaculate condition. She walked round and looked about to see if everything was where she left it. She sat down at her desk and opened her drawers, she fished around inside with her stationary – no scissors. She got up and walked over to her door noticing something was different but she could put her finger on it. She ran her fingers up and down the door and then found what was wrong, screw holes were all that was left of where her lock had been screwed on. No scissors, no lock – they don't trust me she thought.

Slowly she wandered through the house and came upon Piper's bedroom door, she knocked quietly but when she heard no reply from inside she wandered in to find Piper sleeping on the bed. She walked over and smiled, then started to walk out when something on the desk caught her eye. It was Piper's journal – she knew it was wrong but she started reading.

"Can't stand the thought of her being here?" she read aloud, "Not ready to come out? I'm not ready?" she continued down the page, "Her attempts," she continued, "Coming home won't help… make things worse," with that Prue slammed the diary shut

"What are you doing?" asked Piper, who had sat up in the bed behind her,

"Piper?" Prue spun round to see her sister staring at her, she was caught red handed reading Piper's diary, but she didn't care.

A/N: I hope that people are still reading this and I know that its sort of hit a slump but I'm starting to get some real action and emotion into the next chapters. I hope you stick with me until the next chapter or two. R&R Witch.


	29. Feelings Unveiled

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Charmed

To Look Again – Feelings Unveiled

Prue stood staring at her sister, who sat on the bed staring back at her. Their eyes were locked onto each other, Piper looked hurt and so did Prue, slowly Piper moved off the bed and walked over to her sister, she reached out for Prue and grabbed the diary from her hands. Prue jumped as she felt the diary being pulled from her hand with great force. Piper started panting heavily and waited for Prue to talk before she dared say a word, after a few moments Piper spoke up,

"What the hell are you playing at Prue?" she yelled throwing the diary onto the bed, furiously, she marched closer to Prue, "What were you doing Prue?" demanded Piper,

"Nothing," said Prue quietly,

"Nothing? I saw you! You were reading my journal! How dare you!" yelled Piper,

"What?" replied Prue, "How can you possibly yell at me?"

"How can you even ask that? That was my personal diary and you were reading my personal thoughts!" shouted Piper,

"Is your brain on a mental defunct! Do you even remember what you wrote?" asked Prue, tears welling up behind her eyes – but they were not tears of pain they were of anger.

"What does that matter," smirked Piper, "You shouldn't have been reading it in the first place! How could you invade my privacy like that?" yelled Piper,

"You don't want me here!" yelled Prue marching towards the doorway,

"Yes I do!" Piper yelled back, "It will just take a little while to adjust to the fact that your home, but I do want you here. I always have,"

"Then why would you write those things?" questioned Prue storming out of the bedroom and marching down the hallway,

"Because I was scared Prue!" yelled Piper,

"What did you have to be scared of?" demanded Prue,

"You have no idea do you?" yelled Piper, losing control of what she was saying, "You have no idea what this family has been through since you've been in that place. You just have no idea!"

"Then tell me! What have I done?"

"You've pulled us apart!" yelled Piper, "Grams is trying so hard to deal with everything that's happening to you that Phoebe is always late for school and her homework is never done, we haven't had a proper family meal in weeks. Phoebe is messing up at school, Grams is messing up at work, I'm messing up… everyone is messing up! And even when you weren't in that place, didn't you see what has happened to this family. We're all detached; no one knows what's going on with any one else. We're barely even a family any more!" Piper paused and Prue opened her mouth to speak but Piper just continued,

"How can you not see what you've done to me? Prue, even when you weren't in that place I sat up late at nights, waiting until I was sure you weren't going to wake up to try again, I listened until I could hear the crickets to see if you were crying, even if your cries were muffled I could hear them. I knew everything that went on in this house yet I didn't speak up! I just kept quiet, because it was in the best interests of the family!"

"Piper, I don't know what to say," replied Prue, shocked at what her sister was telling her,

"There's nothing you can say. The damage has been done," yelled Piper as she marched towards the stairs in a bid to escape from Prue, Prue followed her. "How could you have been so blind?" questioned Piper as she wiped away the tears that had formed in her eyes, she turned to walk away from Prue and go down the stairs,

"Piper please," pleaded Prue, reaching out to grab Piper's arm. She got hold of her elbow but Piper pulled away, "Piper,"

"No, Prue, no!" yelled Piper, as she spun round to face Prue, "Don't! Just let me be!" she turned to continue down the stairs but lost her footing. Her ankle twisted and caused her to lose her balance. She began to fall to the ground, Prue watched in horror as she saw Piper's body plummet to the bottom of the stairs.

"Piper!" she yelled as Piper let out a scream, her body bounced from the wall, and ricocheted back into the banister with her rib cage. Piper let out another scream as she hit the ground; her head gave a thump as it hit off the foyer's hard wooden floors.

"No!" yelled Prue as she stood still, she wanted to run, she wanted to run to Piper's aid but she found herself completely paralysed by fear and guilt. At that moment Grams and Phoebe walked into the foyer, they both stopped dead in their tracks,

"Prudence? What happened?" said Grams shell-shocked as she looked down at her helpless Granddaughter only this time it wasn't Prue that needed her help.


	30. Gulity

Disclaimer: I do not own Charmed

To Look Again: Guilty

I feel guilty,

My words are empty,

No signs to give you,

I don't have the time for you,

You say I'm heartless,

And you say I don't care,

I used to be there for you,

And you've said I seem so dead, that I have changed,

But so have you,

Prue stood at the top of the staircase, her eyes transfixed on Piper's motionless body. Grams and Phoebe stood in the doorway, no one moved. Suddenly Grams sprung into action, she grabbed the telephone and dialled 911, whilst trying to manoeuvre herself into a position where she blocked Phoebe's view of Piper's body,

"Yes, I need an ambulance… my granddaughter, she fell down the stairs… no she's not conscious… yes she's breathing… ok… yes… ok, thank you," with that Grams hung up the telephone and darted back to Phoebe's side. "Phoebe, go and pack some of Piper clothes into a bag for her. Then go and make a sandwich for yourself, thank you honey," she smiled and kissed Phoebe's forehead, Phoebe done what she was told and headed upstairs immediately, stepping carefully over Piper's body.

Prue stood on the stairs, still not moving, hardly breathing… her eyes had still not moved from Piper's body. Slowly she sat down on the steps as she saw Grams running towards her out the corner of her eye. Grams sat down beside her and tried to put her arm around Prue, but she pulled away.

"Prue, what happened here? How did she fall?" asked Grams, but Prue remained silent, "Prue, please answer me… Prue!" said Grams, but still Prue didn't answer. One the outside she was quiet, but on the inside her mind was buzzing with thoughts.

Guilty, guilty I feel so,

Empty, empty you know how to make me feel,

Guilty, guilty I feel so,

Empty, empty you know how to make me feel,

Oh god, what have I done? Why couldn't I just have left her to storm away… how could I not have noticed what I'm doing to everyone around me… I've destroyed everything that I've every loved. How could I have been so selfish… why didn't I notice what was going on around me… how could I have missed so much. And now Piper's hurt, I've hurt the one person who cares for so much that she doesn't sleep at nights and she worries non-stop about me… how could I have been so stupid? I can't fix this… why can't I? How can I… its too hard…

On that thought Prue jumped off the stair and ran up to Piper's bedroom, she past Phoebe and on her way and bumped her out of the way. She ran swiftly into Piper's bedroom, once in she slammed the door and locked it. She threw herself onto the bed, and pulled Piper's pillow in close to her. She took a few deep breaths in attempt to hold back tears that she knew were forming. She heard sirens outside approaching her house; it was strange seeing things from this point of view. Suddenly she realised what Piper was seeing, how many times had Piper found her body and watched as the ambulance pulled out of the drive… watched as Prue had been carried out on a stretcher. _How could I have been so stupid? I'm an idiot… _she watched as Piper was carried out, and watched as Grams and Phoebe followed close behind… _this is what Piper felt… she felt guilty for not protecting me… when I should have been protecting her but I wasn't… I just thought about myself and now I don't know what will happen to her. I didn't even check if she had a pulse or if she was breathing… I couldn't move, I couldn't breath… and I've put Piper through this so many times… what's wrong with me…_

I put a shield upon you,

I didn't mean to hurt you,

I would have only poisoned your mind,

Never meant to make you cry,

You've been so thoughtless,

I can see right through you,

You used to be there for me,

Don't you leave say goodbye,

Cause you have changed but so have I…

Prue watched anxiously as the ambulance pulled out of the driveway and sped off into the night. She felt anger, frustration and pain building up inside her. Starting off slowly and lightly she began banging her fist again Piper's wardrobe, but within minutes she was hammering her fist against them but it still didn't hurt her. She began almost charging at it, throwing her small frame into the side of it. She banged herself off it one last time when she heard a crash inside, slowly she pulled the door open and looked around the wardrobe, her eyes fell towards the ground where she saw a battered old shoe box. Slowly she lifted it and its contents up and walked over to Piper's bed. She sat down and began fishing through the box, she lifted out photographs and Piper and herself as kids, and ticket stubs from movies they had seen. She lifted out a picture that she and Piper had painted together when they were younger, more photographs were lifted out with some more ticket stubs. Prue flicked through them, in all the photo's Prue had short sleeves on and a smiles spread across her face, slowly she saw a single tear drop onto the photo. _She kept all this… because its before everything… when we were all perfectly happy, she kept everything… every movie we've ever been to since all this started, bus tickets, photo's, pictures, everything…_ Prue continued looking when she lifted out a handful of folded papers. She unfolded them and began to read the title lines on each one aloud,

"Stained By Piper Halliwell, Sidelines, Silent Nurse, The Fear… Temptations… by Piper Halliwell…" she continued to flick through them "Made it rain… there all poems… by Piper,"

Guilty, guilty I feel so,

Empty, empty you know how to make me feel,

Guilty, guilty I feel so,

Empty, empty you know how to make me feel,

I never thought that the time and the distance,

Between us made you so much colder,

I'll carry the world on my shoulders,

Guilty, guilty I feel so,

Empty, empty you know how to make me feel,

Guilty, guilty I feel so,

Empty, you know how to make me feel…

A/N: The song used in this fic was Guilty By The Rasmus. Also I hope everyone is enjoying reading this fic. Because I'm enjoying writing it and getting my feelings out about things so please keep with it. Witch x.


	31. Light Reading

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Charmed

To Look Again: Light Reading

Prue sat on Piper's bed, slowly reading through the poetry that had fallen from the box. She read aloud,

"You didn't make it rain,

The storm brewed long before,

It's not up to you to warn us,

If we all chose to ignore,

You cannot stop the rain from falling,

And I cannot stop your tears,

I cannot run away from thunder,

Like I cannot hide your fears,

I stay away from lightning,

I hide under the bed,

I try to kept all away,

By burying my head,

But it is time to fight,

I cannot hide any more,

This problem is here no matter what,

I can no longer ignore,"

Slowly tears emerged at the corners of Prue's eyes, she tried to hold them in but here attempts were defeated and soon she had broken out into a sea of fresh tears. She sifted through more and more poems, reading them through, she couldn't believe how much Piper was hurting and how little she had noticed. Slowly she stood up off the bed and grabbed a bag; she lifted the contents of the box into it and then headed towards the door, grabbing Grams' car keys on her way out. She drove slowly to the hospital, slower than most cars on the road but she ignoring the horns that blared and the curses that were being yelled at her and continued with her slow pace. She arrived outside the hospital a few moments later, and sat in the car debating whether or not to go in. She didn't even know if Piper was alright, she didn't know where she was taken, how Grams was coping and Phoebe, whether Piper was seriously injured… she didn't know anything. She reached into her bag and lifted out a photograph of Phoebe, Piper and herself as young girls, standing on the steps of the manor. It was taken not too long after their mother had died; Grams had said that it was a memory of their mother and a vision of the future. Prue had never forgotten that.

From that moment on, Prue had always been captivated by photography, by how much a photo could tell you about someone but now she was thinking how little it showed. In the photo they were all smiling, standing so close together and smiling. But inside all three were torn apart, Piper smiled the brightest, she always had it was just now that Prue was realising that Piper was good at pretending that she was alright. Although Phoebe was only three or four at the time, she smiled for the photo with Grams' prompts, but the pain in her eyes was evident. Prue smiled the least, although she wasn't a big smiler in this photo she had tried her hardest but nothing came from it. Prue turned the photograph over and read what was written on the back,

"This was the day our family died,

This photo shows nothing but us,

Faking our smiles, hiding our pain,

Lost without our mother,

We clung to each other,

But ever since this photo was taken,

We have slowly been drifting apart,

Now we may be losing Prue as well…

How much more can I take?" It was in Piper's handwriting, and it as written recently, the ink had not faded. Slowly Prue opened the car door, she stepped out into the rain that had just leisurely started to drop. She lifted her bag and pushed the photograph back into it, and then headed into the hospital. She walked over to the reception and stood patiently waiting to be seen.

"How can I help?" asked the young receptionist behind the desk,

"My sister, she was brought here," replied Prue, nervously brushing her hair behind her ears,

"Ok, what's the name?" asked the receptionist,

"Piper Halliwell," replied Prue,

"Yes… she's in the ER you can wait in relatives room if you wish," replied the woman,

"Thanks," said Prue as she walked towards the signpost that said 'relatives room'. She pushed the door open and expected to see Phoebe and Grams sitting there but the room was empty. _Where are they? _She thought to herself.

She sat down and pulled some more of Piper's poems out of her bag and slowly began reading through them, trying to stop herself from crying as she did so. She lay down on the couch that was in the room and continued reading… within a few moments she was sleeping.

A/N: Ok this chapter wasn't how I intended it to be but its sort of a to be continued thing… I actually have an idea how to work this fic but I'm unsure if I will but I might – ok that was a little confusing but I understood it. Please R&R. Witch x.


	32. Alarm Call

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Charmed

To Look Again: Alarm Call

Prue lay awake in her bed at the Halliwell manor, her duvet cover pulled as far up to her neck as it would go whilst still covering her feet. She listened to the noises in the house, whilst still trying to here nothing. She listened carefully when she heard a small noise in her bedroom cupboard; slowly she peeled herself out of bed and walked over to it. She pressed her head against the door and listened carefully, there was a small whimpering sound coming from inside, and she took a few steps back. Then tried to open the door slowly, she pulled but it kept banging shut. With one burst of energy she pulled the cupboard door open to see a small familiar girl sitting in on the floor, crying. She bent down and placed her arm around the young girl,

"Piper?" she asked, the girl was identical to her younger sister, but she was only thirteen years old – she only looked about ten but Piper had always looked young as a child. Prue couldn't figure out why she looked so young, Piper was sixteen now, so why was there this young Piper sitting crying in her closet. "Piper, are you Piper?" asked Prue,

"Yes…" she looked up and paused for a second, her eyes widened, "Prue!" she yelled with excitement, the youngster threw herself at Prue and knocked her down, "Prue how can you been here… you're meant to be in hospital," said the girl,

"What? Piper how old are you… what are you doing in my closet?" asked Prue, still confused about what was going on,

"This is where I hide, it reminds me of you… I'm thirteen, but you know that,"

"What do you mean hide? Why are you hiding?" asked Prue, the young Piper got up off the ground and walked towards the window, she pointed out it,

"I don't want to see it anymore, so I hid… it seemed like the best thing to do, I didn't want to see you in that way any more," replied Piper, Prue walked over the window and looked out. She saw an ambulance, and herself on the stretcher being carried out of the house. Prue ran to the mirror and looked in it, she touched her face and ran her hands through her hair,

"How can I be down there? I'm here, and why are you thirteen? Why? What's going on here? Tell me!" yelled Prue as she ran towards Piper and grabbed her by the shoulders,

"Prue tried to kill herself, again… its worse this time. I found her, I didn't know what to do really, just stood staring at her body for a few seconds then I just started screaming…" her voice trailed off as Prue began to speak,

"I remember, I heard you screaming… I was barely conscious but I heard the screaming. Then you out, I was left alone… again," said Prue, she felt her throat close over as she tried to hold back tears,

"I ran for Grams, she was in her room and I remember yelling at her to wake up… I don't know what I said, I just know that I was yelling. I don't even know if I made any sense, I don't think I did but I just kept yelling," Piper, paused and watched as the ambulance drove away, "I dragged Grams back through to your room and then hid in the corner. After that Grams phoned the ambulance and sent me out, I watched from the hallway and listened to them talking in medical terms… I couldn't understand what was going on really but I listened nonetheless." She paused once more and walked over to Prue, "Why did you have to do that? Why did you?" yelled Piper, "Didn't you know what it would do to us? How could you not,"

"Piper, please," begged Prue,

"No!"

"Please try and understand," replied Prue,

"No, I'm not going to pretend like I understand, not going to tell you that I understand when I clearly don't! I don't understand why you put me and the rest of us through something like this… I don't understand why you couldn't talk to anyone about it and I certainly don't understand why you think I would understand!" yelled Piper,

"Piper, please let me try to explain," sobbed Prue as she walked towards her little sister,

"There is nothing that you could say… nothing that would make things better." Replied Piper, as she pulled away from Prue, "You know what I've been wondering… I've been wondering if you even care. Do you care what you're doing to us… or do you only think about yourself and your problems. Because I'm starting to think that maybe you don't care what we go through every time you feel lousy and decide to try something like this… do you care what it does to us? Do you really?" asked Piper.

Prue darted upright in the waiting room when the door opened. Prue rubbed her eyes and looked over, once her eyes had stopped blurring images she looked at Grams – who stood in the door way. Her eyes were tearing, and she held a small handkerchief under her nose. Prue got up off the stairs and wandered over to Grams,

"Dreaming, it was all just a dream," she paused and then spoke again "Grams, what's wrong?" she asked, but Grams didn't speak, "Where's Piper," Prue continued, "Where is she?" asked Prue this time Grams spoke up. She took a few deep breaths and then continued,

"Prue, she's ok… she's going to be ok," she sobbed as she pulled Prue in for a hug, but Prue didn't hug her back,

"I need to talk with her," said Prue,

"Prue, she's ok but she's unconscious… you can't speak to her." Replied Grams,

"But you said she was alright," protested Prue,

"She's going to be alright, they've managed to stabilise her, her breathing and heartbeat are normal and she doesn't appear to have broken any bones. She's bruised a few ribs, and her arm is sprained, but she's going to be ok," replied Grams,

"I need to see her," replied Prue,

"Ok," said Grams as she led her from the relatives room.

A/N: I hope everyone is still enjoying this, its sort of taking a different turn than I originally thought it would but hey. I'm hopeful that its till going to be good. Please keep reading and reviewing… I love to know what you think after you've read it. Witch x.


	33. Through The Silence

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Charmed

To Look Again: Through The Silence: In The Air Tonight

I've been waiting for this moment,

For all of my life, oh lord,

Can you feel it calling in the air tonight?

Oh Lord, Oh Lord

Prue walked slowly into Piper's room, she wondered how many times Piper had crept into her silent room. She looked down at helpless Piper, her body looked so limp and her head seemed almost masked with the bandage that was covering the cut she sustained from falling down the stairs. Prue sat down on the chair next to Piper's bed and waited, as if waiting for Piper to speak. After a few moments of silence she spoke up,

"I guess I should really speak… I mean I am the oldest and you've done your fair share of starting conversations… or at least I'm guessing that you have." She paused, it felt strange talking to Piper and secretly knowing that she wouldn't sit up and talk back, "I don't really know what to say, I think I would sound a bit hollow if I said I was sorry. I don't really know how that would help the situation, I mean I am… but it just sounds really superficial saying it. I wonder if you've ever said it to me. But why would you… I should be saying sorry to you for all this shit that I've put you through. I wish I didn't feel like this but I just don't know how I can help you. Or me for that matter. I think I just need help." Prue paused and sighed, "There I go again being so selfish, asking for you to help me when you're the one that's lying in a hospital bed. I kind of wish it was me that was lying there, but I honestly don't know which you'd prefer." She paused again and got up off the chair, she wandered over to the window and looked out, then turned back to Piper.

"I don't know how Grams and Phoebe treat you when I'm lying there, are they nice to you or do they bitch at you… I sort of wish that would bitch at me… because if it weren't for me you wouldn't be sitting there. I used to think that everything I've been through all the…" she paused as she tried to force herself to say the words, "All the… the… s… se… stuff," she sighed and hit her hand of Piper's bed side table, "After all this time I still can't admit to myself what I've been doing, and what its been doing to my family. How could I put you through that? I just don't know what's wrong with me. I am pulling this family apart but I just can't stop, I just can't… I still want to die."

If you told me you were drowning,

I would not lend a hand,

I've seen your face before my friend,

But I don't think you know who I am,

Prue looked up towards the ceiling, trying to stop tears from falling. She never used to cry so easily, she used to be so strong and help people through situations like this but she couldn't help herself. She looked back down at Piper, she was still so quiet, not moving. _I can't believe I've done this to you… how could I not have noticed all your pain… its so obvious but I couldn't see it. I wish I had, but wishing is no good. I can expect some stupid wishes to bring you back…I can't think that me saying all this will erase what I've done. I just have to try and make things better in the future, but I don't' know how to. How can I make up for everything that I've put you through?_

I was there and I know what you did,

I saw it with my own to eyes,

So you can wipe of that grin,

I know where you've been

Its all been a pack of lies,

Prue sat silently in Piper's room, listening to all the sounds in the hospital. Nurses rushing past the doors, people chattering happily in the rooms next to Piper's. People pacing up and down in the corridors, the light clicking on and off above their heads, suddenly the door opened. Prue spun round and expected to see Grams or Phoebe but was shocked when she saw a young man at the door. Prue stood up; she assumed that he was a doctor or nurse,

"Can I help you… she's already been seen by someone, Dr Cathright is treating her," said Prue, politely,

"I'm not a doctor," replied the young man, "I'm… a family friend,"

"But, if you're a family friend how come I don't know you?" asked Prue, as she stepped in front of Piper defensively,

"I'm a friend of Penny's," he replied, as he moved further into the room,

"Well she's in the relatives room. With Phoebe, its just down the hall," said Prue, still curious as to who it was,

"Could I just have a few seconds with Piper?" he asked,

"No," said Prue point blank,

"Prue you don't understand,"

"What! How do you know my name?" demanded Prue as she reached for the nurses call button,

"I'll come back later," replied the man,

"Don't bother," snarled Prue,

"Tell Penny, Leo was here,"

I can feel it calling in the air tonight, oh lord

I've been waiting for this moment,

For all of my life,

Oh lord,

Can you feel it coming in the air tonight?

Oh lord,

I can feel it coming in the air tonight

Oh lord, oh lord

Prue turned back round to face Piper, she began feeling weak. And slowly her knees gave in and she fell to the floor, hitting her head of Piper's bed on the way down. Prue tried to pull herself back to her feet but to no avail and she slipped into unconsciousness. She heard noises as she lay, not fully awake but not fully unconscious either, she heard Grams and Phoebe enter the room chatting quietly,

"Oh god!" exclaimed Grams, "Phoebe, get a nurse," she heard footsteps run out and then back in slowly,

"Miss Halliwell?" said an unfamiliar voice,

"Prue! Prue? Prue please answer me," sobbed Grams,

"Prue, please wake up!" yelled Phoebe,

"Miss Halliwell?" asked the same unfamiliar voice, as she felt her arm being lifted and her pulse being checked,

"Prue!" yelled Grams one last time and with that Prue couldn't hear anything anymore. Everything was black.

Well I remember, I remember don't worry,

How could I ever forget?

The first time, the last time, we ever met,

I know the reason why you keep your guards ups,

No you don't trust me,

But it doesn't show, but the pain still goes on,

It's not stranger to you or me,

Phoebe stood in front of Piper's bedroom door, peering into the room – she could barely see through the shadowy pane of glass – she took a few steps to the right and peered into another small, dark room. Prue's room. Phoebe had seen Prue in hospital many times before, but this time was different. This time Piper was there too, she was the only Halliwell sister left. The only one who could hold things together, the only one who could fix things. She went into her pocket and lifted out a pen and a piece of paper. And rapidly started jotting things down, scribbling out spelling errors or things that didn't seem right. Then slowly after she had proof read it she wandered into Prue's room and went into the small bathroom that connected the two rooms. She sat on the floor and began breathing deeply,

"Grams told me I had a lot of power, that I was the only one left with any powers. So now I have to use them, I have to use them to help you two. To help our family,"

I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord,

I've been waiting for this moment,

All of my life, oh lord,

Can you feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord?

I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord.

A/N: The song used in this fic is "In The Air Tonight" by Full Blown Rose. They are a really good up and coming band – go to to check out their stuff – someone else originally recorded it but this is the version I worked with. Also, Phoebe's premonition power was bound before she was born but not her basic spell casting powers as a witch because Grams spell didn't have the full effect on her because she wasn't born when the spell was cast. This explains why she can cast mini spells and the others are completely unaware of this. Hope you like this chapter. This fic only has maybe, two or three or maybe four chapters to go, so saviour it while its here. Then I will continue working on Real Things.

Blessed Be


	34. With Her Help

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Charmed

A/N: Ok, so this fic is winding down. I think its becoming slightly too long so I have devised an ending for it. However the following chapters and the past few have not been based on personal experience. This is just the way that I wish things would work out for me. Also, I think that I have concentrated enough on this fic for the time being so for the moment there will be no sequel to this fic. There will be no follow up story. This fic maybe has four chapters left and I'd appreciate any comments on the single chapters or the fic as a whole.

To Look Again: With Her Help

Prue awoke with a start; she swung her legs round of her bed. Slowly she got out of bed and walked towards the door, she pulled it open and stepped out into the dark hospital corridors. There was a chill in the air that caused her to pull her housecoat round her slender frame; she walked slowly down the empty corridors. Expecting to run into someone but no one came, it was just her. She began knocking on the doors that she passed but when no answer came she continued plodding along. Then suddenly the lights dimmed further, and she saw something dart across the corridor in front of her. She stopped dead in her tracks and her vision shot quickly from left to right as she tried to identify what she had just seen. The lights came back on within an instant, Prue looked around frantically. She heard a small sobbing in the corner, her eyes instantly moved to where the sound was coming from. There was a small girl sitting in the corner, covering her face, burying it deep in her knees and chest. Prue edged closer towards the young girl,

"Hello?" she called out cautiously, "Can you hear me?"

"I can hear you," replied the young girl, she lifted her head up and wiped away the tears that were dripping slowly from her eyes. She got up off the ground and began walking towards Prue. Prue recognised her instantly, it was Piper. _Not again, I can't be having another one of these stupid dreams again… I can't deal with anymore of them. _Within a few moments Piper was standing before Prue, she took her hand and placed it on her heart.

"Can you feel it beating? I never can… I think it stopped a long time ago and no matter how much I try to change this I can't re-start it, why can't I restart it?" she asked, Prue pulled her hand away.

"What… Piper what's going on?" asked Prue,

"No too sure really… I think we're in some sort of mind scary weird thing," replied Piper,

"That's the most mixed up sentence you've ever uttered," replied Prue, smiling,

"I know… my mind is a little all over the place, I'm sorta mixed up about some things," sighed Piper,

"I know… and I haven't really been much help. With everything that I've put you guys through, I just don't know how to stop all this," said Prue looking sheepishly towards the ground,

"I don't need you to stop Prue. Well, that it I want you to stop but I need to understand more than anything," replied Piper, she slowly began walking away from Prue. Prue followed her, like a lost lamb she followed at her sister's side.

"I know that you need to feel like you understand what's going on… I just don't know how to explain it to you so that you will,"

"But you don't know Prue, you don't know what's been going on with our family. You just don't know right now, and I don't expect you too… ok so that's kind of a lie. Because I do want you to know what's going on around you, I want you to see what all this has done to others. I want you to realise that its not just you that all this is hurting. But I don't think your ready to understand all that just yet,"

"I want to understand Piper, I want to know what I've done to you but I don't want to admit to myself what I've been doing," said Prue,

"Then we'll be going round in circles until you can admit to yourself what's been going on," said Piper, as she stopped walking, "I know you want everything to be alright. I'm just not sure if it can, I know you need help, but I just don't know how to help you. I don't know what kind of help you need and I don't know how to get it for you. I'm only sixteen Prue, I know that all of this has made me grow up fast but I can't grow up anymore. I need to be the younger sister again. I can't be the eldest anymore, I don't know how."

"You shouldn't have to be the eldest, but I just don't think that I'm ready to be the eldest either," replied Prue,

"The thing is that I don't think either of us is ready to be the eldest, and I know that we keep saying that we know how each other feels but in the long run I just don't think that we do. I don't honestly know how you feel, and I don't think you know how I feel. Not because we don't want to but because we can't. We each have different situations and we can't know what its like to be in these situations if we aren't living them," replied Piper,

"When did you get so wise?" asked Prue, as she playfully shoved Piper,

"About the same time you got so stupid," replied Piper, "Sorry, that wasn't necessary," she instantly said, although Prue sensed that she had meant it, she just didn't want Prue to know this,

"I know I've been stupid but I can't stop Piper, I just can't its too hard," sighed Prue,

"Then there is nothing here for us. If we can't find a way to deal with this that isn't going to send us both crazy I think its better than we just don't talk about it," replied Piper,

"That won't help anything, you know it won't help,"

"It's the only way, Prue, it's the only way for us to stay sane,"

"But it won't help us stay sane… it will make things worse. You know it will,"

"God! Even when I try to help you two you can't sort things out… I'm running out of idea's here guys!" said a small voice from behind them, both sisters spun round and were equally shocked when they saw Phoebe standing in the dark hospital.

"Phoebe?" they questioned in unison,

"Now would you two just sit down and stop all this stupid philosophical crap and just talk to each other like normal human beings. Just tell your side of the story one at a time… otherwise things are never going to improve!"

A/N: Ok, you must be getting really fed up with all these a/n's but hey. Hope your still liking it.


	35. Point Of Impact The End

Disclaimer: I do not own Charmed

A/N: Ok, so since I'm not online at the moment and can't remember who said they liked author notes and can 't check who it was whoever it was this one if just for you.

This fic is seriously hitting a slump I know, but I think that I'm better to just finish it quickly than leave it all long and drawn out. I think this fic has just had too many chapters that were too similar for it to be as successful or as compelling as some of my other stuff. But to the readers that have stuck with me throughout the whole think thank you so much. I hope you still like my fic.

To Look Again: Point Of Impact

"Phoebe, what the hell are you doing here?" asked Prue shocked to see her youngest sister standing before her,

"That doesn't matter Prue, you two need to sort this out! Now," replied Phoebe as she slowly walked towards her sisters, Piper backed away slightly as her sister walked towards her,

"Phoebe you don't understand what you're talking about. This doesn't make sense, Phoebe. Just leave now!" demanded Piper, she was shocked at how forceful she was being with her little sister, but she didn't want to let Phoebe witness any more of her and Prue's arguments.

"No! God dammit Piper! You go on and on about Prue not being able to see what's right in front of her but you can't see it either. You can't see what I see!"

"And what is that Phoebe?" asked Piper, smugly,

"I see Prue, trying to kill herself, and I see you finding her body and freaking out and almost turning into the next Prue. I see Grams lying to my face to try and distract me from all this shit! But do you want to know what I don't see?" she paused for a second and walked over to her sisters, "I don't see you two talking about anything. You both just bottle it up and ignore the problem but I won't go away. This thing has been going on for three years now and you need to get through it, you need to get over it already. I know it will be hard but I don't care! I just don't! You have to deal with this thing now or else its just going to get worse unless we fix it now. You two have to talk to each other already because if you don't then things will just fall apart. And I can't hold things together for much longer! You're putting to much pressure on me!"

"Phoebe calm down. We all just need to calm down!" said Prue; as she placed her arm round Phoebe's shoulder,

"Prue you can't do that," snapped Piper,

"Do what?"

"You can't act like you're in charge just because you're the eldest, you can't. Just because your older doesn't mean that you can take control. Your not ft mentally to deal with this stuff, you can't do it." Said Piper,

"What do you mean I'm not mentally fit?" demanded Prue, shocked that her little sister had spoken back to her. Piper was always the shy one who never stood up for herself, what had changed.

"Prue, you can't take charge when you don't know what's going on,"

"Stop it now!" yelled Phoebe, marching in between the sisters, "Look I don't want you two to argue anymore, and we just need to sort things out! Alright!" Piper and Prue both fell silent and turned to they little sister, "Ok," they muttered quietly, then all was silent. After about ten minutes of silence Prue spoke up,

"Why couldn't you just tell me?" she asked Piper, Piper continued staring at the floor scared to talk to Prue once more,

"I couldn't tell you because…" she paused and lifted her head back up to look at Prue, "Because I knew that it would be too much and would make you go too far and not phone the ambulance."

"But it wouldn't have. It made me want to stop," replied Prue,

"That was the other option, but I didn't think you'd pick that one. I thought you'd decide that it was too hard, that it was going to be too hard to stop all this," said Piper,

"I want to stop Piper, but you don't know what its like," sighed Prue,

"That's just it Prue," said Piper walking over to her sister and placing her hand on her shoulder, "I don't need to know what its like, I don't need to understand, I need any of that. I just need to know that I'm going to wake up and you'll still be alive, I need to be able to fall asleep at night and not lie awake listening for sirens, I need to be sure that I'm not going to become the eldest sister," replied Piper, "I need to know that things are going to get better, but right now I don't honestly think that they can,"

"But they will," replied Prue, "Things will get better, I promise you that. I can get better, I can…"

"But…" said Piper fighting back tears, "It's been too long for things to change. This has been going on for three years now. It's just been too long for any of this to change. You can't change something that's lasted that long, you just can't!" said Piper, forcing herself not to cry,

"I can! I will," said Prue defiantly, "I just don't know how I can,"

"You have to change it," replied Piper,

"I don't know how I can accept help, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do about all of this. You know me Piper, I can't ask for help. I can be proud and self-pitying but I can't ask for help, that's how all of this started."

"I know this Prue, but you need to ask for help. If you don't you'll die, and I'll die with you,"

"What?" sobbed Prue, the words coming out of Piper's mouth had made her see everything more clearly,

"If you kill yourself you're not only killing you, you're killing me as well. I can't live like this any more Prue, if you die I'm going to die with you." Piper cried, she had given up trying to stop tears from falling,

"No, Piper. Just because I can't fight this doesn't mean that you have to suffer for me,"

"But I do!" Piper sobbed, "I do suffer with all this, I don't know why you can't see it or if you choose to ignore it but I do! And so does Grams and Phoebe, why can't you just get better for us. Why? I don't understand why you can't just get better! I can't do this anymore Prue,"

"Do what?" wept Prue,

"Do this! I can't live another year like this; I can't keep going through life wondering if this is the day you'll die. I can't live like that, I can't do it. Last year was hell, I was permanently on edge, I messed up in school, I yelled at Grams and Phoebe, I considered self-harming myself, I was constantly off school was panic attacks wondering what you're thinking and when you're next going to try and kill yourself. I can't do it anymore Prue! I can't be the big sister,"

Prue darted upright in her hospital bed; she looked around disorientated. Slowly she climbed out of her bed and wrapped her dressing gown around her shoulder, and slowly headed for the door. She walked a few doors down and found Piper's bedroom; Piper was also awake. Lying so small in her bed with the duvet covers surrounding her tightly. Prue opened the door and Piper looked towards her, they exchanged glances. Neither one of them knew whether the dream had happened or not, then from behind the curtain Phoebe stepped out.

"Phoebe?" chocked Piper; although she was awake she was still pretty out of it,

"Yes," said Phoebe quietly,

"What's going on?" asked Prue, sitting in the chair opposite Piper's bed,

"Yes, it happened. The dream. It all happened, you both had it, you both heard what you heard and it was all real," replied Phoebe,

"But, then why are we back here?" asked Piper,

"Because we heard what we needed to hear," replied Prue, Piper looked over to her,

"But," started Piper but Prue continued,

"I heard what I'd put you through, its what I needed to hear to help me."

"But I didn't hear anything I needed to," said Piper, trying to sit up in her bed but failing,

"You will," replied Prue just as Grams walked into the room,

"Piper? Prue? What are you doing out of your bed? What's going on?" asked Grams, shocked to see Prue sitting with Piper and Phoebe,

"Grams. I've been thinking, and I've gotten some home truths that I needed to hear and… I… I want to go back to Wake Glens," said Prue,

"What?" asked Grams, followed by Piper,

"Prue… you don't have to do this… you don't… its alright,"

"No, its not. I need to get better, and I can't do that while I'm here, I can't do it. I need to be in Wake Glens, it's the best place for her. That's where I need to be right now." she stopped for a second and walked over to Piper, she bent over and gave her sister a hug. The first hug she had given her since all this started, "Its over, you don't need to be the big sister anymore. Its over," she whispered into Piper's ear as a tear slowly formed in the corner of her eye. Piper hugged Prue back and whispered "Thank you," as the tears began to flow. Grams and Phoebe looked at each other, Phoebe nodded, and Grams instantly knew she had helped. She wasn't sure how but she knew that things would get better.

Piper and Prue got out of hospital a few days later, and Prue went back to Wake Glens under voluntary admission. Piper went back to school, as did Phoebe and they're lives continued as they had before all this. With one exception, they visited Prue every night, except one – Thursday. This was Piper's night to herself – Prue had demanded she take it. Things continued like that for a year, then there came a phone call,

"Hello. Yes this is Penny Halliwell, really… oh god… ok, yes… we'll be right there," with that Grams hung up the phone.

"Grams who was that?" asked Piper who was sitting in the kitchen reading a magazine,

"It was Wake Glens… its Prue," said Grams, Piper's hair stood on end as she heard those words,

"What?" she demanded,

"She's getting out," replied Grams.

That day Prue was released from Wake Glens, and she came home to her family with a new addition. A mental health certificate which read – "Prue Halliwell – recovered depressive."

THE END

A/N: Ok, so its finished. I hope everyone liked that chapter. And the fic in general please R&R. I would just like to say that I gave this fic a happy ending,

I didn't want it to end the way my story did. Granted my sister was released from hospital, but I didn't get this happy ending. I figured someone should.


End file.
